Category: journal

I’m proud of myself

I think more than I ever have been.

I mean, my whole life has been a rollercoaster, but the last few years were very trying for me.

The way I went from rock bottom, being hurt, trying to hurt myself, literally zero control of my emotions, having to move…the list of the shit show I call 2020, could go on and on…

I am now doing things and getting recognition for things I never thought I would even be capable of. For a lot of people it wouldn’t mean that much, I’m assuming…but knowing how many times I could have given up, like I had already done so many times in my past. The second shit gets too hard for me to manage.

There is no quit in me anymore. I think the mental torment I endured almost thickened my skin. I have nothing to lose, If I believe in myself I can achieve even more than what I have which is scary but exiting.

Being acknowledged for hard work, especially when you question your own capabilities more than anyone else around you…feels fucking awesome.

Don’t wait until I can’t hear you

Although my meeting with my manager yesterday was like a long overdo therapy session that consisted of me carrying a mini moleskin full of my thoughts and concerns. (I also had the journal because I was afraid of the full moon and how it was going to effect the whole shindig)

I think I went a little too hard. Maybe.

But don’t run your mouth about me when I walk away then smile and play nice to my face. ..with me..your best bet is to say it to my face and lets sort it out..

I feel like yeah, some (most) people say that …and actually are too sensitive to hear it directly. I try to make it clear thats not me. I’m sorry if you didn’t catch the obnoxious hint, that is my presence, by now.

So when I hear someone is being fake to me, i’m not a total fan of it. It doesn’t necessarily make me feel bad about myself, it just makes me annoyed..and thats basically it.

Theres only so much shade and shit talk you can toss around before it gets back to that person, when that happens. You can’t expect the person who was being nice to your face and behind your back to HAVE your back.

no.nope.nothanks.

that ship has since sailed.

killing three birds with one moleskin mofo’s

It will set you free

That’s one thing I’m actually good at. I’m not good at many things.

I’m a music junkie. I have been my entire life.

It sounds so cliché and annoying. It pisses me off even to say it, but music did save my life and continues to everyday, probably.

I’ll always remember myself in middle school. Those were terrible years of my life…it kinda set my youth up for failure. Derp.

I didn’t really trust many people at that point in my life. Probably two. My best friend at the time, and my ex-boyfriend.

I started to form insomnia and really bad anxiety, and I would stay up really late at night on my computer. I would sit on the computer for hours and hours exploring random music and finding new stuff to fulfill me.

I would make old-school mix CDs

(I kinda feel bad for the kids these days who can’t experience that)

All the music my friends, siblings/cousins listened to, was introduced by me. I don’t know why people make that sound like a snobby thing though….It’s one of the only things I’m good at, can’t we just like consider it a sport?

The real point is though, it spoke to me. Always has. In ways humans couldn’t at that point especially. When I need it it’s always there. It

made me feel… understood. It was like a friend.

(it does run in my genetics. But the way I love music is unexplainable. I couldn’t get to the point of it. I’ve been a walking jukebox my whole life)

Everyone listen to music. It makes the world go round. And maybe it could save your life if you give it a chance

I’m far from perfect. Very far.

He started a game. He did. I played.

When I play, I play. I can’t be that quiet, meek girl. She does not exist anymore. She only did for a short while. A long time ago, I don’t miss her. I feel bad for her. As an adult, sometimes I envy her though. It was being strong, broken and hiding it.

There was no in between. Not many people can remember the day…that it changed. The day they found their voice. I can. Like the back of my hand. Because it happened like a flip of a switch.

It’s not a powerful, happy story. It’s a girl, afraid to eat in the cafeteria at about 85 pounds, bullied by mean girls, a learning disability, crippling anxiety, trust issues, depression, constant fear of judgement, hating who I saw looking back at me in the mirror. I was broken when I found my voice. I was angry, and fed up.

As much as I would like to say the anger will at sometime subside. Finding your voice when your a kid, at your lowest of lows, so confused and scared of life, her thoughts and herself. I honestly thought that part had gone.

When I found my voice. It’s been used the same way, for all these years. To protect myself, to protect the people I love, to defend people that don’t show me they have the voice to do it themselves. Something I wish I had at one point.

But my protection doesn’t always help. me. or others. I don’t ever go into a situation with bad intentions, but if something arrises, you will hear me.

I regret a lot of the “defending” I did. I think it was something those people needed to do, and learn on their own. In their own way, just as I had.

I was in love, you hurt me. more than once, more than I could count. You exited me though, more than I think anyone has? I know I was hurting when I met you, but I don’t think that’s why we ended up together. Or why I put up with what I did. I fell in love.

You can’t throw away years of your life trying to help someone else though. That just makes you more angry. I spent so many years of my life, angry. Mostly by watching this shit show, we call humanity.

After tonight, I don’t want to do these things anymore.

I played his game, only wanting him. Brought others along for what I thought was just something they were fine entertaining. They said they were fine with it. So do a lot of people….(as clearly stated above) When I was busy wrapped up in something I wanted, I’m not focusing on the pieces I’m using in the game. They are there when I call or text. I didn’t question why. It was selfish.

I failed to pay attention to what I used to stay very aware of…how others felt about me. As I got older I realized guys were attracted to me for my mouth, the shock factor, the honesty and interest in truly knowing someone. The things I used to be hated for. Thats when both worlds kind of collided.

Three guys. I fucking dragged along, and granted, they shouldn’t have stuck around (as I shouldn’t have for my ex) but now they are attached to me. Fell for me. I was so wrapped up in myself, and the person I loved. Being angry with him. Trying to fill a void that can’t be filled with just anyone.

I need to heal. I let these people close to me, but when they get to close. I break their hearts, and not gently. I break my own also, and disappoint myself. My voice starts getting used for the reasons I resent it. Pushing people away, keeping them from getting too close. Saying nasty things so they will never want anything to do with me again.

It’s such a sick and twisted way of thinking. Things that once felt good, don’t anymore. Because I’m not an angry kid anymore. Being angry then, felt fine. Felt reasonable, at least. I’ve grown since then and by being mean to someone who has tried to be there for me, just so I scare them away….isn’t worth it on either end. I need to shut up, and be strong. and silent. I did it then, I should be able to do it every once and a while now…I’d friggen hope so.

It’s been a rough year. But I’m finding a lot out about myself and things I truly need to work on. Things that have been living inside me for a long time. Demons I thought I had got rid of. Although, they probably can’t ever be fully gone, I can learn to manage it better. I don’t need to hurt myself or anyone else anymore.

I wish I hadn’t said those terrible things to someone who I feel did genuinely want to show me love. I got scared. Because I don’t think I’ll ever feel the same, and I can’t use someone to replace something thats not replaceable.

Don’t wait for me to diagnose you

Chances are you’d like an unseasoned mental health “specialist”s opinion better.

I sure as fuck know I did once upon a time

A calm voice must mean your sane enough not to worry right…?

oh….you only wish…..

..

I don’t think you know the true meaning of love. I am the kind of person who doesn’t like to toss the word around. When people say it fast it should be a red flag, not something special.