I have a lot of thoughts. Its a mess up there

Not people who talk shit and turn around pretending to be someone’s friend.

Its superficial bullshit. I cut narcissistic mean girls out of my life for a reason a long time ago.

Don’t play that with me. Im the wrong one.

I also stay aware, and these weren’t behaviors I missed. I made a mistake by trusting people I saw red flags in.

That parts on me. The rest….take a look in the mirror with all your accusations

Maybe you should watch your step.

Because I think you have being REAL with a person confused.

Im a grown adult. I stopped talking shit about “friends” a while ago.

You know why? Its pure rocket science.

SOMEONE TALKING SHIT is not your friend.

I’d rather someone tell me the truth than be phony with me.

We aren’t the same species sweetheart, take a seat.

If my old public defender tries to make me pay for him I’ll suck his dick instead.

He thought I was cute so that should do it hopefully.

Plus I do most of the work by myself. Only work I need to do is stop my mouth from moving from the second I walk in the courthouse til the second I leave.

Ill pay him before the court date, at his office on Pearl Street

If he just helped let me destroy these trashy, leeches and I would probably do almost anything he asked to be honest.

Your body is a temple. YOUR temple. MY TEMPLE. and it might be small. but its ready to wreak havoc up in this bitch.

*on my vigilante shit again*

When my coworker tells me, him and his girlfriend broke up two days ago. She blocked him on everything. Then she decided to unblock him last night, and send a picture of her nails that she just did.

At first I thought he said she sent a “nude” so my diluted ass says (after correcting me) “why would she send you a picture of her nails? Thats weird. I do mine once a week but have never thought of sending them to a guy”

I explained to him the process of life, that actually has proven to be right from my personal experience.

The three loves of your life. The young, naive one, the one that teaches you the most (typically the most painful) and the forever.

Lucky for me Ive aged and lived past the first two

He thinks hes on his first love. Which at 23, so was I.

Then he proceeds to tell me she’s 27.

…Here’s when my age politics that most people don’t like to hear get involved…

The only time in my life, I had and have dated anyone younger than me was when I was 21, and he was 20. He was actually like an exact year younger than me. Some Leo, Leo loving.

But I always make it clear, (I had met my first love, at 13. and he was across the country by 21…wise boy)

My theory was *Hes young, Im young. We’re both kinda rebounding/don’t take it that seriously. Hes hot as fuck, Im never gonna end up with him..it doesn’t hurt to party and have fun at 21*

He thinks this girl is his first love, although I wasn’t buying what he was selling. Then again I talk about love with a lot of passion& meaning that not everyone does.

I said to him “Well shes 27, thats on her. She should be smart enough to know not to date a 23 year old in his prime without a fully developed frontal lobe. block her, you’ll be saving her from herself”

*or at least toss the kid a nude lady*

Beat me to my forever at least, will ya? before your the only employee who can’t afford to eat the candy on the Host stand.

You’re a grown adult. We all know homeboy is not interested in seeing your freshly painted nails.

Happy Halloween. You can catch my agist, and aging ass in hell if you wanna debate a theory with me though.

Borderline problems

When your “FP” isn’t around and you need him and miss himm

Don’t get in my face, and then act shocked when I verbally murk you.

Im not physically fighting someone, at all, nevermind outside my work, about to walk home, at 2 AM.

I dunno why this chick doesn’t like me. I just know shes always in some form of drama with “the regulars” and Ive literally seen her drag around or physically grab a couple of the boys on multiple occasions.

I listen to them talk. That doesn’t make me involved.

Im a 31 year old woman and I don’t have drama with my girlfriends, otherwise we just wouldn’t be friends.

So when Im leaving, joking with the regulars, that I see almost every weekend, and have for years…

Don’t turn right to me and say “I heard you get involved with everyones drama”

And I asked “who said that?” and she named ONE of her “friends” and my old coworker (shes a bit off…they all are)

Then again I could never relate to being a regular at a place like Howl.

I said “You said everyone and named one person? get out of my face with your caked on makeup, and those terrible eyebrows. I don’t know what the fuck your talking about”

I could see the shock and mental spiral she started going on. Those kids talk behind each others back. Not to your face. Thats why I love the shock factor of simple one liners, and the power they have.

Then she said “Thats why I dont come here” and I said “okay, thats fine. your here now. and we dont care? none of us care” and then went to walk home.

She started to chase me in her heinous maxi skirt and sandals, like she was gonna fight me while screaming obscenities.

It was 2 AM. I wanted to go home. Not fight with a silly drunk girl after working all night.

The sass in me never dies though so I turned around and said “What are you gonna do to me Franklin? Im not afraid of you” and then started walking home with my middle finger up

Now the girl is literally emailing the owner saying how terrible I am. I’ve never had that happen to me. Even the one time I had an email about my behavior it was mainly targeted at my male coworker.

..(although not fairly because I took ownership, for speaking with them first and just grabbing him to validate, that what I was saying was true. And Im sorry that a new hire who is currently, still training told you the wrong information)

Then they started fighting with us, and accusing us of being racist, and we had to have them leave.

I’ll never be able to comprehend humans that act like a normal employee can make miracles happen. The computer system literally wouldn’t even let us do what he was asking, the company doesn’t have that option for a damn membership.

I just can’t with the insanity sometimes in the most simple of workplaces. Customer service is an experience every human should have.

Im an eyebrow girl& yes Im aware I over plucked that day. She had full access to say the same to me. So, thats on her. Ive hated her Crayola brows since the day I met her.

Shes got a bad attitude and an entitlement problem

Humble yourself.

Who likes to watch sports and drink beer

Not giving tattoos and hard alcohol to stop the shaking.

I realized while observing and watching college football games this weekend..I might have been confused for most of my life.

There was a reason I always ended up dating “bros” who “weren’t my type”

Are you kidding me?

besides my deep love and passion for alternative and indie rock, I am a damn “bro”

No shit, thats “my type” Its the only life I truly know….Being a fuck up doesn’t change your roots.

I was just trying to run from my own reality, per usual. Its like I disliked my life so much when I was younger, that I created this distorted view of myself in the world.

If I can watch a college football game, and be interested in it…or have it give me any form of excitement…

Me, a messy misfit who got kicked out of public school for skipping class, pretending detention and homework don’t exist and excessive alcohol consumption? the beauty school dropout? the anti college queen in the ultimate college city? the actual fuck?

Turns out I wasn’t adopted, and am accepting the reality that its not the lamest thing ever, to always fall in love with basketball and hockey players. (maybe not baseball. thats a pussy sport in my opinion. and Im probably better at it. which turns me off)

and if it is. Im just a big ol’ lame-o

I lost two of the most valuable and my favorite coworkers in one month.

My work bestie didn’t tell me she was wreaking havoc undercover.

So imagine my surprise when the manager says shes “not coming back” after I texted and sassed her for thinking she just called out sick.

I had a minor breakdown. But Im a DBT baller and am able to pull myself together, and also take care of myself in that period of time and emotions.

I had help thankfully, otherwise I may have quit also. Its too much at once, and I have goddamn abandonment issues.

Now I’m out here recruiting anyone (mostly the regulars) to come work with me.

Im the only one who knows how to use the register, then these doormen are total flakes.

As well as having zero capability of using one of the most SIMPLE registers Ive used in my 14 years of customer service.

That means I can’t even walk away from the register to use the damn bathroom without texting for help, waiting for someone to walk by, or leaving someone alone and fucked.

meanwhile I had zero clue she was going to be fired, or what she was doing..so my heart sank into my asshole when she did tell me.

I was in such a state of shock that I didn’t even think to try and clear my name. I emailed my manager today because honestly, in my life. (mostly a lot younger) Ive known a lot of people who have stolen from registers at their jobs, most get caught, some don’t.

personally, it’s not some thing I’ve ever been capable of. I couldn’t even steal $20 from my moms wallet in high school (like all my friends) without feeling terrible and ratting myself out.

I suck at being sneaky, but Im guilty af of taking a knee each shift, underneath the desk… just to have two (TOPS) shots of butterscotch Dr. Mcgillicuddys.

Even then I have whatever coworker make a sound effect (I chose bird sounds) if someone was coming, because I get so scared of being caught.

Someone put a gun to my head and told me to take a night off from work just so I couldn’t have fun.

Im always a whiny little bitch when I don’t have as much fun as I think I should have.

It wasn’t NOT fun.

Good lord, my texts the next morning are worse than if I was drunk texting an ex.

We can start with the fact I have the tendency to be so outspoken with no emotional awareness for what I am saying.

Like, I don’t get my feelings hurt easy at all..

Its how I am. Adaptation is rough, so I kind of just learned it through certain life scenarios

I was so much more sensitive when I was younger, but so much better at acting like I was unbothered. Now if I get my feelings hurt…everyone within 10 feet will know.

Its not intentional, but Im always making grown men cry.

plus I pee in public like Im a dog and its a totally normal thing for a 30 year old woman to do.

Its not.

…I hate therapy intakes..

I barely slept last night so I was a raging bitch just at the idea of a therapy intake at 9 AM

Im glad I did it, because I really like her.

But that answer that made my lil wimpy ass cry

I guess it was TECHNICALLY normal from the outside.. I don’t remember it much.

then the reality just spewed out “I hated it. It was lonely and depressing. I would run away at night with my best friend”

We used to hide on the roof of this one building in Lexington center

We used to smoke the cigarettes I stole from my dad, drink whatever booze we hadn’t already totally watered down from her parents boujee liquor cabinet. We would watch the cars go by and laugh about stupid shit while our moms were on the phone with each other, worried where we were.

If I didn’t have the group of friends, I had. I wouldn’t have ever had a mental safe place.

even that wasn’t so safe. I stopped telling my own friends the guy I liked in middle school.

can never trust a bitch going through puberty that gets attention from a dude. especially under the influence.

Im even guilty.

But hopefully this means I have a new therapist.

the front desk totally doesn’t want to call me though, I called them half asleep with attitude saying “It was 9:46, she’s late. can I reschedule. Im only doing it so I don’t have to pay $75 for missing it”

He said no, so of course I had to start a debate.

“Well on Saturday the 2nd, the last therapist I had an intake with called out an hour before our appointment. Shouldn’t she pay me $75 dollars?”

Im such an asshole sometimes, then again he DID sign up to work at the desk of a mental health facility

Listen, Luna. My tiny Netherland dwarf, sweet skunk nugget, of love.. looks as cute as a button.

&she sure as shit is. She doesn’t like when her moms sad though. She always knows when Im crying.

My babygirl is also sassy like her mother though.

Shes a cultured bunny. She’s the Eminem of Rabbits.

She’s had a couple insane stepdads, roommates, etc. Don’t underestimate her

If this kid makes me cry on Thursday night. That would be a SUCCESS for him. because at this point I want to break his face, and taunting me isn’t gonna help his case.

Now I am even sending coworkers to rehab. Not just boyfriends.

I hurt my own heart while trying to help others.

The reality really sets in once they go.

You selfishly want them with you, but know that they can’t be…and its better than them not being with anyone, ever again.

I hope and try to promote help.. but then it’s always when the reality of them being gone sets in that my emotions go all over the place.

Its triggering to me, because of my past.

It is weird for it to be a friend/coworker this time, not a significant other. So I didn’t really expect to have the emotions I did.

(Borderline problems, I guess)

I’m gonna miss him. He helped me stay sane in a lot of ways I didn’t fully realize until today, also.

I hope he gets the help he needs. Because THAT IS what is important.

I just can’t help the emotions from crying, anger, I am in full on going, Virgo moon, hermit mode.

Im not talking about it with anyone anymore. I’ll get too emotional and I will get angry at people who shrug him off as if he’s not a loss to our workplace.

On drugs or not. He did his job. He was good at it. So when my other coworker starts to rub salt in my wound (he will) hes gonna need to watch the f*ck out.

I get such bad anxiety when I’m not in my own apartment or bed..

Its almost more nerve wracking to be around my own family than in a psych ward

It sucks to feel that way inside and I never thought that would be my reality.

I love the sound of the waves, the stars are beautiful but my eyes are full of tears, my nose is runny and I miss my bunny

I am so BEYOND glad this week is over today. I’ve officially almost been electrocuted to death. I got wasted and tried to fight assholes from New Jersey last night. I was ready to pick them up, all of my 5’2 self, toss them over my shoulder, walk them a few blocks and give them the full scenic experience of Boston Harbor. Your not gonna love that dirty water when your swimming in it. BELIEVE, YOU ME.

Mostly because some clueless chick from the middle of nowhere NH has no sense of city culture and her boyfriend barely gives her dick anymore apparently. (just quoting) so the second she saw a male in the city. She was like a cat in heat. But sis….your not in the middle of nowhere anymore. Your in Boston on a Friday night with streets covered in drunk people. Don’t cause fights just cause your clueless. You can “Fist pump with them right back to the Jersey Shore”

I would bet money she ends up even further up North in New Hampshire.

Then I felt sad and was so drunk. so since I was up the street from my work, already drinking. I went to my work to get a hug from my coworker Bri. but I fucking work at a bar and it was closing soon so I was taking shots and running around hugging everyone. then old man derek poured me a shot at the backbar and I started choking on it. luckily, I’m still a lovable drunk, even on the verge of a black out. (I would never go there on my night off if we weren’t like 30 minutes from closing already. its not a good look. ive seen some bad employee oopsies) then tonight I straight up almost jumped on a dude from my desk chair.

Don’t come in here like a crackhead, screaming and bitching like a psycho. The second he walked in I was already sick of his behavior. I was like “I don’t know who you think you’re talking to, but I’m not your mother and you’re not gonna speak to me like that im a 30 year old grown woman” and he says “I’m glad you’re not my mother” I told him “my kid wouldn’t talk like a trash bucket like you. I feel bad for the lady.”

He was being so rude to my coworker and my manager. Hella aggressive for no reason mostly just cause he didn’t wanna pay cover charge. then he gives me his card to pay for three people. Meanwhile, he’s still there running his mouth.

His two friends were calm. Then one of them started getting involved. and the other one was like completely fucking normal and was trying to make it peaceful… then the other ones saying “DONT TALK SHIT TO HIM” ….bro…he walked in talking shit. Whole thing was weird. We had one was acting as the brain cells for three kids combined. So, his calm friends were trying to get him in the bar before he got kicked out. Yet he was still yelling and talking shit to me and my coworkers.

While hes trying to go inside. My manager goes “just let him. we’ll kick him out in like 5 minutes” yet he keeps screaming “I PAID ALREADY” but everyone was already screaming so loud I was trying to say “NO ACTUALLY YOUR CARD WAS DECLINED TWICE” im like on a chair trying to shout over three coworkers, one normal dude and two lil shits.

Ive never been that mad before at work. my body was shaking. As they were getting taken out by like a few bouncers I screamed at the skinny white kid “YOU stop talking crap you skinny little pussy. even I could kick your ass tough guy. your a twig I’ll snap you over one knee”

My electric burn is getting worse and I don’t want to be a part of Fight Club anymore. A bitch can scrap, but I’d prefer to keep my smile on and composure. Lets not test the theory.

I still am the same as I always have been.

I grow with music though, not out of it.

And Im an indie music girl, I always have been.

Finding awesome new artists is a talent, I think, personally.

But who the fuck do I go to shows with if all my friends either listen to who we always have loved, or just whats on the radio?

It fuckin’ sucks.

I need to find a music junkie like myself so I can experience all the beauty live.

Listen, if I was a nepo baby. You bet your ass, I’d be out there signing record deals.

I was pissed at my coworker last week, because he lied to me. He had already been acting kinda irritable and no fun with me for a couple weeks.

I didn’t really think much into it. He’s just a troubled young kid tbh, so It wouldn’t be the strangest thing for him to be moody.

Then he did some sneaky shit, lied to me (what he did wasn’t even worth lying over anyhow.. because it was actually just kinda funny?) I didn’t know, if he was paranoid my coworker who was next to me would care or not…and maybe thats why he was acting so defensive

He went the extra mile to make me feel crazy, like I hallucinated a whole scenario in my head. My coworker didn’t think “he was smart enough” to pull that off. So then Im just standing there feeling like an asshole.

Then of course my sweet boy (god I hope he saves some cute and anxious sad sack…like me, from themselves when he gets older) tells me what I already knew.

He’s not someone who would have just ratted or told me something if I wasn’t basically clear on the fact I already knew& was worried because it was alarming behavior.

Especially from someone in recovery from a serious addiction.

“He fell off the Wagon”

– “I knew it. He’s been acting weird for a couple of weeks”

– Thats when my inner Nancy Drew takes the wheel and does my detective math

I’ve seen and lived with that behavior for years. Even before being with an addict, being smart in “the system” is a lot different than what a “normal” person can even think like. We grew up learning how to play a game, how to be sneaky, use our smarts with the little freedom someone has. (Unless your me, and can’t lie. will get caught. so has to be honest or make a situation worse for myself)

The most impressive I had the balls to do was while being prescribed valium (AKA how I grew the balls) was having my friend sneak in a joint to a unit at McCleans, where I was lucky enough to have a vintage tub in that hallway bathroom. So I “took a shower” then stuffed the stub down the drain.

Plus, he tried to blame it on someone else and then I made a joke with someone who ACTUALLY had no clue what I was talking about… so snitching was something at 17 I’d try to fight you for doing. Don’t mess with someones freedom.

I had an ex who had me accusing people of shit they didn’t do for long enough. I don’t like being played for stupid. Especially someone I’ve put in effort to get to know, actually care for and see potential in, and have fun with him.

There’s only three of us there alone together for two hours.

so when he told me last night, I wasn’t surprised, and I told him I knew that. That I just could tell from his behavior, and he lied to me.

He wanted to know what he lied about, and started getting a bit defensive about it. I didn’t tell him and just said “It doesn’t matter, it just triggered me because I was made to feel like I was crazy. I was annoyed. Im just glad your telling me the truth. Im not naive, Ive loved plenty of addicts. Significant other, friends, etc. and with borderline its a blessing Im not one, and highly rare”

I can’t save the kid. Trust, I sure as shit know that.

I told my other coworker after talking to him “I don’t know why it bothers me so much, sometimes I think Im just too sensitive for this world” She agreed. lol which is what I love about her. Just say it, because I already know it. Don’t waste your breath convincing me otherwise.

Im basically diagnosed with being way too emotional. Perfect fit for “Emo Nite” last night. In which Heidi sang “If it Means a lot to You” by ADTR and my heart shmelted into mush on the sticky, alcohol covered floor.

I told him the same thing I used to tell my ex “You know what I would give to have a personality like yours? You draw in good energy, you care about others, are always making random friends on the street…and your not exactly the most approachable looking dude. (lol) You have so much potential and drugs just dull you and destroy that in you. Your fucking funny, and I noticed you behaving differently and it felt shitty to see” So I just do what I can to help guide him in the right way.

I asked if his Girlfriend (who kicked him out earlier in the day) used as well. Which she does, and they typically do… and she had court that day, it didn’t go well and he wanted to know if he should reply. As someone thats had court, been dating/living with an addict and a boyfriend locked up all at one lovely time, in the beginning of a global pandemic…I told him the truth. I did think he should reply and keep it short. Have compassion but truthfully, I told him after that he probably should go “no contact” for a bit. Only because thats what I WISHED I had done. He’s in a trauma bond. He needs to work on himself. He’s been through a lot in life at his age, and needs to put himself first.

I know its highly unlikely thats how it will go…but Im just glad I can go into work today knowing I got to hug him and the door was open to talk to me if he needed.

Makes me irked that if we’re gonna have so many Gen Z boys with tight shirts, bleach in their hair and body jewelry like its 1999 than why can’t they drop it like NSYNC could?

We wen’t from coordinated dance routines and group harmonies to tiktok dances that my mom could do in her kitchen, and becoming a musician, only thanks to auto tune.

This is a totally, non PC opinion but whatever, Im already one of the most unintentionally openly non PC humans I know. It honestly, clearly, makes my friends uncomfortable but I truly can’t help the word vomit.

I still went from wearing no glasses thinking a hot firefighter was in the building with an “anti anti social club” shirt on….only to be disgusted when informed it said “anti anti Biden club”

That sure as shit is one way to be a walking turn off….

(So I’m not THAT far gone, I still have a moral compass)

By Taylor Swift.

fucking first love vibes. I was in my feels walking home and this song gave me full body chills it’s just so lovely,

….hits different.. heh

Than a college degree?

Because at this point, basic customer service skills are literally out the fucking window. Work ethic is dead and pathetic with these kids.

I live in a city surrounded, and drowning in college students and colleges. The level of basic human skills you find in daily settings have legit tanked in the last decade.

They don’t say “have a good day” NOTHING. They are fucking idiots. I need my medication filled. I gotta call CVS and Walgreens to TELL them to fill a prescription that they know I’m going to suffer mentally and physically without?

The level of delusion of them trying to prove a point is unfathomable.

I’ve been going to Walgreens since I was 14. NOT ONCE besides, when I moved on this street, have I had to call a pharmacy to remind them I refilled a prescription that is due to be refilled today.

Ill prove a point to you assholes. Move your fuckin’ lazy asses, stop bitching and do what your getting paid to do. I swear these kids are just spewing stupid that its just contagious, it makes other people feel hopeless and they give up. I don’t blame them, Ive been them.

You don’t see this shit in the suburbs because people NEED to work. Here, these kids are fucking mostly privileged little shits behind the pharmacy counter. Real cute.

Get your college degree, then half ass everything.

This is why democrats turn into republicans.

For me, it’s just turning me into an independent.

No. I’m not working at a nightclub to have conversations about “someone who identifies as a dog” then barks when he pulls his collar.

We’ve gone too far. When is enough, enough.

I identify as a crazy ass. Should I make sure people point and say “see that crazy ass over there, go ask her that question” AND don’t you question that either.

*LITERALLY* take me out back and shoot me

PULL IT TOGETHER.

This is the most disgusting site these adventurous green eyes have seen since the homeless guys hoohah hanging out, while peeing on a backstreet in Chinatown 30 minutes ago.

Which is way more respectable than this very preventable buildup of trash.

I mean you can’t really control your bladder…could totally have picked an alleyway though

YOU CAN, prevent a trash buildup on probably the most populated, walking street in the city.

There is no “Planet B” my fellow Bostonians.

Don’t catch me preaching veganism. But I sure as shit love nature, the planet, and the city I call home.

If I stick wrappers in my purse until I have a trash, you can wait two minutes until you get to a damn street trashcan.

People just have no fucks anymore….it’s wild and alarming.

*Don’t buy that $5 bottle of Sangria. Don’t even put the frozen blueberries in it. Don’t take that first sip*

You’ll end up with a headache, an ice pack on your head, texting you ex who you don’t even really like, and asleep on the wrong side of the couch, waking up hours later, with all the lights in your apartment on…..oh and a hungry, sassy bunny staring at you with a death glare

(well besides the fact my speakers generally suck and have to take all phone calls on speakerphone)

SPEAK NOW, TAYLORS VERSION IS OUT.

There’s nothing else really, as important as listening to this whole album for a month on repeat using Apple Music.

So god bless my phone replacement in the mail, on its way. right now.

I will be beyond “Enchanted” to meet that sucker

God, shes such a magical queen.

I actually had one sip of Sangria, got the spins, took a four hour nap.

Woke up, and the album was out….I’d say it was almost meant to be..

Sometimes when I write it almost sounds sexist. Yet, deep down, Im a girls, girl. My mom raised me to be one. Hell, my aunts and Nona did also…So when I ride for you…I’ll ride until I die.

Its a proven fact, and I’ll let (most) anyone give me a lie detector test in the middle of a busy street…. Its probably one of the only damn tests I’ll pass in my life. Legit.

So when two weekends in a row, I have random girls telling me they were shoved and spoken to very rudely by doormen in the “downstairs hallways” …I’m gonna go check out who is standing down there..chances are I know them, and know they would hopefully, never purposely try and physically harm someone half their size…

I’d rather go talk to a couple guys, who we both have respect& understanding of each other, and tell them “Hey, these have been the complaints, I don’t wanna tell a manager. I want to just give you guys a heads up. I don’t think Its on purpose, but would be worried if it continued being a trend”

It was something I could hopefully easily clear up, and make them more aware of in general, and in the moment. Haven’t heard a complaint since.

So as far as Im concerned..as a female, working in an environment mostly managed and contained by strong men..I did my job, As someone who’s been through domestic violence on a very extreme level.

I’m not gonna have a 22 year old kid, who’s just doing his job be afraid when girls are screaming as if they are purposely being harassed by them, in any form.

If I can see that IS NOT, the case… I feel it IS my job to come between the situation to protect both of them. Even if its just to make them both feel some form of safety in that moment…I feel like it’s my job to do that…as an educated, aware, HUMAN and FEMALE. We are not getting paid to be human or have morals. Thats just something everyone should hopefully have.

I would just hate to write almost as if Im someone who’s not a feminist or someone who doesn’t stand for what I really believe in. Because truly thats the total opposite of anything people who know me, know about me,

I was making a joke earlier to someone…kinda categorizing all doormen as one.

A boy in his early 20’s, learning how to get paid to handle a drunk girl is actually pretty fucking comical

Its a mix of being scared, trying to be aggressive if you need to kick them out (AKA call me if you really need me) and being nice.

You can’t make it up or write it. Its just great people watching. 

I was just thinking *Even sober, when I need help finding my uber, while asking for a coworkers help… Im probably fucked. Most likely will end up in a random guy’s dumpster in Quincy or Chelsea*

The Virgo men (the most likely to be serial killers, mind you) are the only ones I think would make sure I DIDN’T get in the wrong uber.

therefore I can’t fully tell if thats highly alarming, good or just an astrology mindfuck.

who knows. maybe a scientist somewhere…gotta love a virgo. so shady, yet always on it.

I still don’t fully know how I worked sales at a bouldering gym for like 3 fucking years

When in reality, I just like climbing mountains, statues in the city at early hours of the morning while drunk, and most inanimate objects while under the influence. Literally no part of me should be climbing much of anything sober..at all…

It was a contained space, full of mostly mentally contained humans…Which is the opposite of everything I stand for.

People stressing themselves out for missing a damn fake, neon colored rock in the wall.

&If I sound judgmental. Its cause I am. especially about people who spent years of my life thinking I cared about their opinions of me. I don’t care what you have to say, I will check you, and that makes you scared. Have all the control you want over a chunk of plastic in the wall, Im a whole ass WOMAN, whos lived a fucking colorful life for 30 years. Way more colorful than this wall covered in fake rocks.

No wonder my stress level was so high, looking back…you were either a lovable free spirit, or just cringy to be around. No in between.

Its like trying to find a boyfriend who can have fun while drinking instead of turning into a twat, or taking it too far. Its basically impossible. Because this person over here is fun and mentally stimulating…but that person is the reason humans irk my existence on this planet.

I just kinda wish I had quit a whole year before and used my better judgement about who I was living my life around.

No, I actually don’t want to come in to work everyday and ask the moody boy which one of his teenage girlfriends, upset him today while he hugs his black coffee thinking its edgy…

If thats my daily amusement. Ive officially lost my fuckin’ sparkle

I never knew you could just go upstairs at Paradise rock club until last night. I actually thought I had to stand within white tape on the ground. Upstairs was like an adult jungle gym. It was dark and trippy like an episode of American Horror Story. when we first went to the bathroom up there I thought we might be entering an episode of AHS. There were like two stalls, no one tallking to each other (come on ladies, just because we’re like the only straight girls here doesn’t mean we need to be boring) The level of uptight in that bathroom was not necessary, and should have never allowed me to go to the level of saying “I even talk to my boyfriend when hes pooping. why is everyone so awkward in here” then feel the need for a stranger to reassure me it wasn’t that weird.

Even in reality if it is weird, I mean we walked outside to a line for the mens room that looped around the top floor. I was stunned, and started to help plot sneak them into the ladies room, til my friend walked me away.

THEY BROKE THE DAMN SEWAGE AND ARE STILL HAVING FUN GIRLS.

I was unhinged last night. I confronted a girl who was putting on her mascara while twitching at me.

Her eyes were just huge, so I don’t think she meant to make my friend uncomfortable. I think…she just had big eyes and a twitch, so then I felt like an asshole and her twitch intimidated me.

It was just a bunch of weird occurrences, then we found this table and realized we could just stand on them and dance.

Which is where I was apart of my first “train”

It was long overdue

Because truly nothing else gets me going as much as dancing with gay guys that have no fucks to give about any rules, only music and feelings.

I felt like I could just do whatever I wanted, it was so freeing to dance on a couch, be able to hop off the couch and back onto it just so I can “JUMP” when she tells me to.

*Yes, If a musician tells me to “jump” …I will say “how high, motherfucker”*

I was hitting my head on the ceiling because of how exited to wreak havoc I was. I didn’t even care.

Next time a boyfriend tells me “I need to go to rehab” im just gonna say “no. I need to get totally wasted and be let loose at the paradise rock club” (MGM is ALWAYS killing my vibe these days)

Its the only non padded mental institution you don’t need to section me, to get me into.

I just felt like I was never cut out for this world, never mind this life..

Ive always felt that way. Since I was a kid. Before I hit puberty

I’m not stupid. I never have been. I have knowledge that most people I grew up will never retain.

I also wouldn’t wish this information on my worst enemy, especially as of how young I was.

What I do know is when I understood what suicide was….I always said “I want to die” before age 13.

But until you take that action to do so, you don’t have the amount of fear until that very moment.

It made me weak, scared and sad. I was just a kid. I just wanted all the pain in my brain and mind to fucking stop. Thats all. I never thought, I would be told…. “you will struggle with this your entire life”

When I did hear that. I didn’t have much hope for a life. Because I knew at the end of the day what I wanted…It sure as shit didn’t include making it to 30 years old.

It didn’t include the immense amount of trauma I hadn’t even experienced yet.

All I know right now is, I was never built for this world. Im too sensitive, honest and vulnerable.

This world is so cutthroat and takes so much effort to survive daily… I don’t know that I will ever have that in me.

I think when I overdosed both times …It was easier to blame it on a breakup..

I didn’t want to wake up though. Especially to my mom, which makes me sad.

I know how much she loves me, and I love her.

My father didn’t even reach out or show an ounce of care.

I just acted upon something I already predicted at some point in my life.. I was trying to outlive my mom..

yet she’s nearing 60 and is the healthiest person her age that I know.

I’ve always thought I’d outlive my father. but I wouldn’t care either way. He always made it clear to me and my sister “At the end of the day, I will always be on your mothers team. She will ALWAYS be before you two”

And same here….My mother will always mean more to me than he could. Same with my sister…. as pathetic and attention hungry as she is and always has been. My past will never be forgotten to her, because she won’t allow either of us to forget it. Its selfish and nasty. She kind of always has been…but I always would take a bullet for her.

Shes always had more potential than me. Both my parents know that. Or at least made that clear to me.

I was always the “identified patient”

Wouldn’t life be EASIER without me? Because all I do is feel like a pain in the ass. Just existing on this earth.

Why you clearly have always WANTED to see me.

I know that, so do you.

I can’t tell if its insecurity or he’s afraid of what he’s gonna get.

I just don’t get…or want you to always see me as the person I was..the last time I saw you.

You were my first love. We never got closure.

So it’s literally never been closed. We both know it, we’ve both shown it..

Otherwise we would have given up a decade ago..

I just kind of had an epiphany

I was fired for putting an impersonation of my goober of a supervisor on TikTok

(why were they even looking at it? Idfk. bored)

But either way, I was asked to do the impersonation. It was fucking funny, for the people actually closing the gym and doing the supervisors jobs for them, so they could go home…

In reality though. You associate, and “climb” with someone I’ve known my whole life.

Someone whos almost killed me in a 7-11 parking lot. Someone who has drugged my best friend. I could go for days…

Compare it dude. all hypocrites. The difference between me and them is that Im real.

I never disclosed the information, I really could have…

Theres this thing I have though.. Its called a soul

My old manager aged two decades in a year visually. And he no backbone, he knows the truth, but he’s weak and scared. no matter how many rocks, or frozen mountains he climbs up.

Fucking and dating the old, crazy, jacked up, bald guy over the one who made me smile everyday.

i’ve always found it very, funny but strange, and have always known.. my dad and my sister were gifted with book smarts.

I mean, I wasn’t exactly set up to win in the town I lived in. Emotionally or educationally. So that led to a total breakdown, at a young age.

My sister and dad always were better at things than me and my mom…Well, they were book smart. Essentially they had the shit that helps you get places in life…the healthy way… (lol)

At least thats what I was taught to think..

but they can be double the size of us, and we have always been stronger. physically.

I mean, they might be able to sing along to a song and use all the right words…

…but put us on a sketchy city street walking home, and trust me…we’re a way worse target.

Its always been that way. Shes the boss. I was raised by a fucking boss bitch.

Its good and bad, and very stressful.

Thats the moral of this story, I think…I got lost.

Lifes been shit lately

Just buy me the cheapest moccasin boots on amazon.

They’ll be fabulous

“Is this troll sending you blurry pics of herself holding a fish?”

“Does she think your girlfriends studio apartment has an aquarium in it?”

I think not, pal.

Im not like extremely proud of it.

But I am AWARE of my lack of self control when I feel lied too.

So when your dating me, yet attending rehabs or treatment. Do not get any girls phone numbers.

Not even just to be nice…

I will take your phone and you’ll never see them in a rehab again.

Don’t put someone in the way of getting shot with angry Allies word bullets.

Thats THEM encouraging relapse because Im not even in the damn rehab. So I actually don’t feel accountable.

I have a soul…so I feel bad..but thats just one reason you don’t fuck or make friends in rehabs.

Unless you a total fool who WANTS to relapse

If I have to see a name in your phone, and feel the need to have a word with anyone though….chances of relapse prove to be high.

Its deff not looking good when you made your relationship the only thing public since February 2020…

because two months later he came to my apartment, kissed me and told me he loved me.

not vice versa. LETS clear that up..

I been there. But when I told him he “needed to date someone a lot younger and naive if he wants to play someone” I never thought he’d actually take the advice.

This poor girl.

This is why she was never worth getting annoyed with… lol oof, its just rough.

Right when she makes her relationship public, and you both take your public snapchat names off of your instagram…

*so predictable*

I think whenever I feel sad Im gonna remember the time, that it was about 100 degrees out (I sweat like a man) gained 10 pounds, and just got fired from my job…

and having a random guy walk up to my boyfriend on the street and tell him “he’s lucky” ..because of me…

that was probably one of the most flattering things thats happened before.

I used to get pissy because Panera Bread literally raised all their prices by like 4-5 dollars.

Panera was probably my first legit job.

& I kind of feel fine spending the extra money on it…because obviously…its f*cking amazing. It could never really get old for me.

I know how its made, and I know the company.

I know where the money I spend is going…

just saw a commercial that reminded me of how much they do for the community, and essentially the entire country (outside the country also, as far as I remember)

Its kind of lovely to know, I am helping support a company, and business that I view as pretty damn important.

If I’m gonna spend extra money on food, at least I am happy to do it.

Obviously your bored without me.

Then again..most people are when I decide to fuck off…

No one makes drama more humorous than me.

I just am so sick of my old coworkers over analyzing everything I post on social media and interest in what I do with my life?

I haven’t worked there for 6 months. Ive grown and become the happy person I truly wasn’t when I worked there.

Sure, I had people I cared about at that job, they made me smile and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

But the true fact is, none of them have been apart of my life since I walked out that day. Ive seen and talked to a few of them.

Its really just NOT THAT DEEP.

I don’t know how boring that place is now? I DO know, it looks sorta like a psych ward I would spend a week of my teenage years at.

Honestly though, they must think my life is actually way more exiting than it is.

Its all just, overall, comical. LIKE GO AWAY.

We’re not friends, we never were. We were coworkers. I have a backbone, I stand up for what I believe in and the truth. I stood up for people at that facility that I never had to, and never should have. It was a waste of breathe surrounded minions. Thats the harsh reality.

I can still care about someone and say…they’re not as mentally strong as me. I can’t blame them either. I mostly had at least, like five years on them all, and a decade of trauma.

But the decade of trauma made me who I am. I am not ashamed of who I am, you can call me a bully if you think me being asked to do my impersonation of the overly enthusiastic (yet inside, deeply lonely and desperate for attention) supervisor.

I’ve stood up for her before, i’ve stood up for half of these idiots to my general manager. EVEN to corporate before.

Its like Avril Lavigne said “Hang up the phone, I got a backbone stronger than yours”

What I will say. Thats not the version of me who started at that job. That was me after I realized who I was again.

SO YOU BET YOUR ASS

I walked out of there with the same backbone they fired me for 🙂😉

Now can ya’ll stop thinking about me now?

Sweeeeet jesus

what? you realize theres no other mentally unstable pretty lil lady with good intentions but a sharp tongue quite like me?

(we’ve mastered narcissism and self hatred better than anyone else)

~ from my notes

it’s disappointment. That’s the root of the entire problem. As my father, being attacked as I’m pulling in the driveway by you was a very real reality for me many times. You are double my size, at one point probably three times my size. And I realize the real problem is for me. That I think that if you were in the car any of those times, as a fly on the wall . The entire scenario would’ve been different. Not to offend mom because I know she gets offended by everything I say. This is just who she is, we all have things that trigger us. I know that I am a strong, hardheaded person very much like mom. So it’s kind of normal in my head now for two people very similar, one as a teenager, and one as the parent for us to fight and disagree. That’s an even a stereotype. But also for her to be so different from me, and high school is a huge part of it, she loved high school everything was peachy for her then. Meanwhile, I had already been going through hell since elementary school with mean, girls, bullying, my learning disability. I was so shy and anxious to even speak sometimes. I only felt safe around you guys, and people that I was really close to. But as I got older, I couldn’t relate to mom. At all. And I think we were both confused and created a lot of tension.. But also, she was in my life more actively. I think that we know when we get in the car with mom, the car tends to turn into a circus. I know for a fact that both you and Sydney know that. She radiates the stress to everyone else in the car. I would get in the car with her, and I would just feel like I was drowning and suffocating. as someone suffering from a mental illness, being a teenager and not knowing or understanding, what even, myself…did not know… that became subconsciously one of the worst places I can be while having a panic attack. Its the same with Sydney. I shut down now as an adult, to avoid conflict. I avoid it. but most of all, IM AWARE. Im aware what triggers me, so I avoid it, which creates a healthy situation for my life and well being. I just don’t think you understand that deep down, what hurts me the most, is you never where in these car rides. Ive witnessed you get out of a car with her and say “you walking home” (once again, let me make it CLEAR, not blame towards her. it clearly caused her anxiety that spread to others. that is relatable and normal) but If a fight is breaking out in her car, as it did, many times. All your getting is a snippet of an extreme frantic phone call from someone, who is understandably scared in a car with two girls fighting. I also, know..Im not to blame for all of me and Sydneys fights, thats just delusional. I spent way too many years of my life with a sister, 18 months apart from me and felt like I could never get a break from. I was reliant on her in many ways, as she was me. In a way that is not as visual to you guys. all of my social relationships, outside of the four of us, basically included her, even if I tried to avoid it. That adds a whole new level of toxic onto an already toxic sisterhood. She held resentment towards me, and I was just trying to move on, because I was literally traumatized by the things she resented me for. I can’t change what I did as a fucking teenager. I don’t owe repeating that to anyone, at all anymore. And I am not gonna. Me and you had a totally different relationship than me and mom had. You were a calming force for me. You helped my anxiety, you did not increase it unless it was an all out mess already. I find it very hard to believe that If you were a fly on the wall of any of those car rides, you would be aware I wasn’t always just sitting there looking for a good fight. I was never gonna win, it was always two against one. Thats a fact, and that night, I realized, I couldn’t win in ANYWAY, no matter what I was gonna do. I wasn’t allowed to verbally express myself without offending someones feelings over something silly like a dresser, and I wasn’t allowed to physically protect myself against someone double my size. I was hit first. end of the story, I took many hits before I hit her. I was on the floor of a dark truck, underneath someone who wanted to hurt me and wasn’t gonna stop. So I hurt her by accident. All you understood was I was arrested in Boston, for domestic assault, against a man who could have killed me many times if I wasn’t physically strong enough to protect myself from him. I barely was, I got choked and suffocated, then right after had my head slammed on tile floors, I got hit on door frames by my hair like a rag doll, I had every form of drink possible poured on my head in public and not, I would set him off and get punched in the face over and over. The list could go on and on. I was arrested for scratch marks and defending him when they separated us, while he made me look crazy. If you watch body cam footage, on the Gabby Petito case, she probably wouldn’t have been killed in a national park by her fiance if the cops could have recognized his manipulation.

You would be at home after work, get a phone call from your wife, frantic in a car (which we all know is actually normal for her, that wasn’t new) screaming after almost every scenario was almost totally blown out of proportion, looking back. The problem is everytime, without hesitation or knowing what happened, you grabbed for me. Which we all know I was the easier target, always. All I have is speed. In which wasn’t of use when my hospital gown is actually ripped off of me by my sister, (in the winter) then you have me cornered. I KNOW. I didn’t deserve that. because I don’t think anyone deserves that. Its sick.

If you can’t become aware of that..with everything laid out for you. I am glad to have you out of my life.

But the root of all of this for me, Ive realized is only disappointment.

You were the person who made me feel safe and I trusted you more than anyone, yet you could snap and turn on me in one frantic phone call and I would be terrified.

As a 30 year old woman, I don’t have any place in my life for hitting people physically, tearing people down or adding stress to my life.

Deep down, I know who I am now.

Im proud of her, I feel bad you don’t know her.

I think I could make a whole fcking collage of every guy Ive dated either hugging and snuggling with one, or both of these unicorns.

Maybe next time I feel like I’m in actual love, I’ll send them to my parents house.

It only feels wrong if I give a shit.

The longer I realize I was babied for so long.

Honestly, I have to admit that im realizing that the hard way, as most do, but a lot younger.

My mental illness was almost an excuse to have my mom call and fix everything for me.

Now I procrastinate all the things I know, that I NEED to do…and when you want SO BAD to be truly independent, its a harsh realization.

Taxes used to mean a shopping spree and endless weed. or even two years ago…upgrading/moving my apartment by myself.

Now its like just a panic attack at the thought.

Sleep won’t make it go away though, so I better buckle up…because I’m going to have to face it head on.

And even though I was babied in certain ways, Ive also had to be extremely mentally strong in ways not many people do, at a really young, important part of my life.

So Its not like it can be nearly, or even close to be that bad, compared to anything else Ive faced in life.

My brain always turns something small into something huge and over the top.

I need to wake myself up every once and a while to tell myself that, or even write it down to believe it.

If I know ONE fucking phone call could solve a lot of stressful problems…it shouldn’t be hard for me to do it.

Being my own worst enemy is such a bitch

I got this Strawberry Lemonade THC infused energy drink mix and it works fucking wonders.

I drank one and vacuumed my whole apartment yesterday.

Stoner crack.

I’m here for it

I hate when someone tries to make me feel immature for going to a concert on a Wednesday night with my friends..and staying out until 11 at the music venue thats a 20 minute walk from my house.

Um excuse me sir.

Both my friends I attended the show with are both waking up at the same time as you tomorrow, if not earlier. what does “being almost 32” have anything to do with that.

good shit. well last time I checked we graduated high school the same year…and both my friends are two years, or more, older than me if we wanna get technical?

I started going to concerts in elementary school. My parents just kinda raised us going to concerts for graduation presents, birthdays, honestly it was one of our favorite things to do AS A FAMILY…

So sorry that I’m 30 and work until 2 AM on weekends (which you don’t do, nor want or have to) If it makes me happy, it makes me happy. Therefore that’s what I’m gonna do until I feel otherwise?

If we’re talking about ages. why in the fuck do I need a weekend off? I wouldn’t be caught dead in my place of work, as a customer, over the age of 27. (if ever)

You lived in your damn mothers basement until last year, and just totaled your car.

hate to harm your fragile ego (goddamn aries men)….but your lifes actually pretty standard..

Tbh it sounds boring as fuck. and lonely.

So he can take his “almost 32” year old, bad attitude to work with him and then come home and sulk about it.

Not my problem.

Its also not my problem that I only like you enough to use you as a rebound for a fucking decade dude. You allow it, your boring and maybe if you didn’t sit in your pity, or try to bring others down to feel better, I’d see you more than just how “Jenny loves Forrest Gump”

Don’t compare me to a “linebacker” because your joke about being 32 didn’t make legit any sense.

“It doesn’t take a linebacker OR a rocket scientist to realize you’re clearly butthurt”

^^ I enjoyed that lil comeback, don’t tempt my one liners bruh ^^

Sorry that I simply asked “what that mean?” and you had no answer?..

(Probably just the voices in his head)