I should start a saga –

Texts to mom at 4 AM

This psychiatrist is demented. thats it, thats the truth.

I have a “PANIC disorder” not a “generalized anxiety disorder” b*tch I think giving me something “fast acting” would add up.

Im pretty sure a 12 year old could.

Borderline is so confusing

When I went through the real hardest time of my life I was a kid. When people considered me an “alcoholic” I was an unmedicated, depressed, anxious mess and thought it was normal.

Really all I was doing was numbing the anxiety with alcohol…then waking up even more depressed.

I care for people who have their own struggles, I can’t relate at all to “normal people” (I know…what really is “normal” anymore…its the only term for mentally stable I can think of)

I’ve tried to date who everyone thinks I should…lol…im so complex I think I actually scare them. and they bore me

I make people hurting feel safe, and I like that I can do that for people I love. For me, what gave me borderline…was almost so long ago I dont remember half of it until maybe something reminds me of a situation?

So I know my diagnosis, I know they are pretty on point. The problem is, I can barely remember how I originally became this way. Middle school and High school were HELL. Like a literal living hell. From 18-24 I was bitter and hanging out with people who had no goals or ambitions besides selling weed and finding a new fun drug to try.

That wasn’t me, I thought it was for a little. Now, when I feel mostly like Ive accepted and come to terms with my past…I am still very much falling in love with people who are currently living in what once was *my teenage shitshow*…

My emotions are controlled by other people, and their feelings. I know they shouldnt be, and I wish I could stop.

Because everything I conquered, should not be something I take for granted and allow to be thrown away for someone else.

These new meds make me cry a lot more. Before I cried too little. Like *bitch your grammy just died…* now you hurt someone I care about and I’m crying instead of them.

Today, I can’t seem to think in an organized or sensible manor and Im so glad to be alone, stoned and smelly.

Loyalty is like a rare gem these days

Im not a bully, but if your going to do something my mother taught me was bullying in elementary school I realized the legit delusion that goes on in that facility.

I bully the bully, and if I could, yes, I would give her “a swirly” with a massive smile on my face.

people I already knew didn’t have a backbone continue to, but it bothers me when they hurt people I love. Take all you want out on me, because it bounces right off of me. But don’t pick on someone because he has a friend (that you dont like) who has a big mouth and would lay in traffic for him. Just focus on finding someone who would do the same for you. Spend your entire life looking. You wouldnt know loyalty if you ever even had a friend before you turned 18.

All I’m saying is when I was 20 and at a house party held by a 25 year old…if anyone asks “I don’t know that bitch, she picks up weed from my best friends boyfriend…wheres the booze?”

Moral of the story- you were DEFF bullied (we all have been 12 year old girls, its not odd) but instead of letting it turn you into a good person, you just turned out like…this…eeek. Its like having a complex like a police officer. The lil twerp gets picked on his whole life and now needs a reason to flex or act tough instead of “serving and protecting”

And you fired me because I would say that to your face, not a 21 year old boy who has to do his homework on lunch break. I intimidated you. Im glad I did. Assholes like you, should be.

I feel bad

My mom has good intentions every year for my birthday (I already accepted its doomed)

But honestly she just causes me so much anxiety, ESPECIALLY with my Nona. They bicker and they’re both so loud.

I don’t have the meds for this type of shit anymore

I really wish

There weren’t ads for like fuckin..toe fungus treatments or how the real estate market in Texas is going, (basically absolutely nothing I need to see) on wordpress.

like can we at least stick with something not so harming to the eyes? It kills the whole aesthetic and point. I mean there’s just so many options for annoying ads out there, and it doesn’t get much worse than these ones

Yes, you could find me before.

but I don’t think you could anymore. If it did it would take days.

the perks of growing up alongside technology. (lowkey is also why I believe, our generation is the smartest and most dangerous)

Its highly adorable

How protective the doormen/“my boys” are of me at work.

Even though I wish they wouldn’t scold and give me speeches on my bad choices, but I do find it sweet at the same time.

As I was trying to ditch these college derps on the way home from work tonight

I saw a rat, not shocking.

But then I noticed a little baby bunny. It was so cute, it melted my heart. I wasn’t gonna let him chill by the street so I moved him towards the greens. cause Buns also should always eat their greens. …..It did.

I must have looked like a complete mental patient while being stoned, sitting outside a boutique on Newbury street at 2 AM, having a conversation with a baby rabbit about the danger of city rats.

I had to explain it to a few people passing by looking at me sideways, but I was cool with it.

I really hope he/she/they/them found its mom and those assholes left him alone with his greens.

Bottom of my list

Trust me, having a boyfriend with a baby mama (especially a certified whack job) was never, ever in my life plans.

You can ask anyone that knows me and they would say it was at the far bottom of it.

I signed up for it emotionally, before I knew this swamp donkey and his child existed.

Calm down, no ones trying to fight to deal with that.

Its on him to figure it out.

But I don’t play games, Ill take his guitar off my wall and smash it on a dead rat in the back of my building. I’ll hand out his clothes to the homeless people in the Back Bay.

I’m just a ticking time bomb love, Im not some pushover. Been there, done that.

You can NEVER say I don’t come (adorably) with a headband made out of red flags.

Because I do. I’m not pretending to be someone I’m not.

“Thats what separates you from me”

You can have him

I think I told her “I want everything to work out for you guys” and different versions of “IM NOT TRYING TO BE WITH THAT GUY” in 500 ways.

Its not my problem you were hyper focused on me, without me even knowing.

It pisses me off because thats not my character, I am the furthest girl from someone who would enable cheating or be a part of it.

…Someone needs to take her meds…

Maybe I’m not over here tweaking because I DO take mine .

I did not “Steal your man”

You can’t even call someone “your man” when he left you 8 years ago, fully pregnant, after you told him it wasn’t his kid. It was the other dudes kid you were sleeping with. AND STILL ARE! (Fuckin’ Bert, the real MVP)

He gets guilt tripped by you, his son and me subconsciously…and after a year of knowing each other and working together, 6 months of spending almost everyday together. One fight, he runs away to Florida in the middle of the night due to an impulsive decision.

Stealing “your man” would entail him to even be attracted to you, not be emotionally invested in someone else, mentally stable enough to make rational choices, me making an effort to even contact him.

After two months he’s at my doorstep.

TWO MONTHS, after 8 years of no contact besides Zoom, and after you already popped out two other kids and got married in the meantime.

Stealing “your man”, would have to make him “your man” to start with. He wasn’t. He’s a lunatic for sure, but not “your man” hun. Hes your son’s “man” There is a difference.

What does he think this is?

A revolving door for broken men?

Even if it was, your fuck ups are limited. Id be dead if I let in some Ted Bundy type. Some need to stay away for good.

Im just gonna forgive you and let you come back here.

Think again buddy, because I just walked into a huge shit of glorified baby mama drama that I didn’t ask for.

When Im the only one at the door

and two little twerps are about to fight.

My response by 1:45 AM: “Hey guys, wanna at least take it outside?”

Then this random lil blonde chick goes “YEAH, we’ll take it outside”

What is this beyond basic, drunk mess of college kids sometimes?

I love a wounded bird

When I look at ALL of my relationships…from my very first boyfriend and first love.

I was attracted to the fact he looked depressed like me. In 7th grade.

The guy with the 6 pack could like me all he wanted…I liked the chub and black hoodies.

Ive dated drug addicts, schizophrenics, two in a row whos parents were just going through savage divorces.

I mean, I can’t help it. But I wish I could like just a nice normal dude…although, maybe its cause I feel more validated by people with issues?

Not really sure.

Had that epiphany in the middle of my virtual job training

Men should not even have the right, to decide laws on a women’s body.

The sickest part is my experience of having two abortions, were not even fully my choice.

It wasn’t only my decision. Two people created the situation. Thats how I saw it, his opinion was valid TO ME. Granted every situation is different.

But I will say, it was MY body, and at the end of the day I do believe if I wanted to have a child I should have.

With the amount of pressure, technically a man made the final decision of that also.

I don’t regret my choice, I had everything working against me. The economy in this country, would not allow me to provide a healthy, good life for a child. I would be setting someone up for failure in my eyes. I was born into a wonderful family who planned for me, so did my ex. But we were both ROYALLY fucked up in the head.

I’m not rolling a dice.

I’ll honestly never forget what I went through.

I think abortions are personal to everyone. My first was so physically traumatic and the second was mentally traumatic.

My whole life one of the only things I EVER knew I wanted to be was a mom. Having that option and having to choose what was the best for me or a child was gut wrenching.

Sure. maybe if I moved down to the middle of nowhere instead of Boston my kid would get a sub-par education at best, live paycheck to paycheck, have a drug addict father, enjoy a spacious trailer that maybe Ill let him join if he stopped hitting me, be raised around gun slinging racists who don’t know what direction is up.

I’m all set with that. Listen, my life is already messy enough. I couldn’t even imagine the horror I would have brought to a human life at that time.

Honestly, not a day will go by that it doesn’t hurt though. It was hands down, one of the hardest things i’ve had to do.

So all these “men” with strong opinions should literally crawl in a hole and die.

They are the abortions we SHOULD have had, they are walking proof of a glorified accident.

I might sound like a bitter, controversial, trashy bitch, but I DO NOT CARE.

Thats the reality. Thats where we really went wrong.

How about we ABORT IGNORANCE. I think that would look good on this twisted country I am no longer, proud to live in. We are a walking embarrassment.

“I pledge allegiance to the flag” that takes two steps forward and three steps back.

Lets not play dumb, now.

ANYONE who knows me.

Knows that if they ask me a question they want to know the truth. Not a lie or sugarcoated, bubble wrapped bullshit. (Don’t ask, use your imagination. It sounded fun)

It doesn’t make me any worse than people who do that. Its just a different type of handling things. A different form of savage. Not purposely. Just generally the truth sometimes hurts, cause thats life. Other times the truth can be fucking lovely also!

You just need to know who your going to because everyone “handles with care” in their own ways.

Falling asleep

From true crime and reality TV.

To music that calms my soul.

Calm over chaos.

I need to start it earlier in the night, is all. Then I think It may actually really be useful.

Plus I feel like Im missing my sense of connection with music, that I always had. I never want to lose that about myself, its one of the only things I ever liked about myself consistently throughout life.

I know my music. Always have.

Everyone does in a way obviously. It was just.. with some of my friends throughout my life.. I just never noticed the same passion and curiosity.

Depending on me to find new music, etc.

— touching myself with the magic of music again —

This dreamer needs a break from trash TV and ground myself again.

To myself

Its weird when I talk to my mom now and she slowly learns all the forms of abuse I endured that she never knew about.

Honestly, I was ashamed of what people already knew. I’m still ashamed and embarrassed that I accepted treatment like that for so long.

The big issues were just so out of control that the other things I didn’t want to burden people with. I also knew if I told anyone, they would be so upset with me for staying with someone like that.

I didn’t want either of those things, my life at home, with him…was toxic enough for me to not be able to handle any other form of conflict or stress.

I knew what I was going to do. Even if I knew it was wrong. I kept my mouth shut to avoid facing the reality that I was in love with someone severely ill. Someone I wanted to believe I could save, and I dug myself so deep. I felt like I wasted years of my energy and life trying to keep you alive.

The reality is that he was never savable.

And even if my loved ones are appalled…it was my reality. But here I am, accepting it. Not okay with it. Just was what it was. Its the past now. My past

Yeah it probably will always hurt a little bit, probably will never fully trust anyone again (didn’t really anyways)

Maybe one day Ill be able to speak out loud to someone the things Ive never said, I just need to be ready. Im still ashamed, but Im taking my time& thats fine with me.

Doesn’t mean I can’t keep on kicking ass and taking names in the meantime, like my mama taught me.

Informative

I teach these young boys so much, I swear.

My 21 year old coworker (doorman, total sweetheart) and I were talking about cheating in relationships.

He said “boys have it worse because they just cheat cause they are dogs. girls do it with emotion which is almost worse”

I said…”I’ve cheated on one person in my life. and I loved the fuck out of him, so much. The other guy made it easy, and he was basically an object. I wanted to teach him a lesson. I didn’t need him. So I felt the need to make it very clear he should probably stop acting like a (sick and twisted) twat if he wants to have a girlfriend, especially me.”

Lets just say his jaw dropped.

Love is the most confusing feeling, hands down. It triggers so many emotions in people.

We make mistakes, we learn.

We take note, clean up, and try the fuck again.

Cause thats the only option I have, at least.

I was raised a hopeless romantic, am a serial monogamous, co dependent as fuck… Im a hopeless cause if a girl can’t dream still.

Sleep. Sheesh.

My schedule is all sortsa fucked up.

I need to figure it out because its a little too messy for my liking.

Probably a good idea to stay in denial on this one.

he makes me nervous.

kinda always has.

hes not really my traditional “type”

he deff has more of a serious demeanor about him.. that Im not usually drawn to…whatsoever tbh.

usually I kinda dig a goober.

I noticed though when I make him laugh it feels good inside. like more of an accomplishment for making him smile.

So, Im pretty sure I just had an epiphany tonight that he makes me nervous because even if hes under 6 feet and is bald (like my last bf)…its because I like him.

Lawd give me the mental strength to not make the same mistake two times in a row

Even though I really wanna keep making him smile still…I need to maintain self control this time.

Every time we touch

I get this feeelin’

– me facing my dislike for physical contact with friends –

or not dislike, discomfort.

I’m getting good at hugs. It makes me feel warm inside.

Im like a cuddly, clingy pain in the ass in relationships then I act like a weirdo with my friends and family.

I don’t get it. I don’t get a lot of things though.

Just add it to the list

Adrenaline

My anxiety always, ALWAYS cranks my adrenaline.

whether its because a doctor is coming at me with a needle full of sedatives, stressed out at work or simply just can’t shut my brain off.

because I get home at 3 Am its always nearly impossible for me to sleep when I get home.

I try so hard but my brain just moves a mile a minute.

Even at work I can’t sit still unless I don’t feel well. I’ll try and stay in the chair/at the register (although I do also just feel bad for my coworker cause she prefers to sit, AKA guilt trip myself)

I will be sitting and then just jump outta the chair and start pacing subconsciously, going inside and out.

Then I walk home, basically across most of Boston.

By the time I’m home, yes, my body is tired..but my mind is racing, so I can’t sleep and have to do it again today.

much fun.

Been to jail? Schizophrenic? Addicted to drugs?

How do I see red flags and just naturally go *well he seems like a total fucking mess, this will be fun*

Those are three things I haven’t personally experienced.

I mean, I have a whole novel worth of craziness i’ve lived/experienced and too many diagnoses’s for it to really make all that much sense to begin with.

So why am I not enjoying that instead of crashing head first into it over and over. Im doomed

I’m basically just chilling around with my boots, and a flannel then a big ol’ tattoo on my forehead that says “ruin my life please”

I disengage

like to joke and refer to myself as the “mean one” at the desk at work.

But really Im not mean, I just stop acknowledging you if your annoying me and let my coworker handle you.

straight up *stops listening, looks out window*

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, over here teaching me quality DBT skills.

…psh& people think reality TV is stupid…

I think we are more productive than the doormen

“He looks asleep out there, those two are like whispering sweet nothings to assholes instead of kicking them out, and that one is squatting because he’s tired of standing. Im over here hip checking lil twerps inside and your gonna lose your voice from yelling. This is rough, they need to get it together”

In my feels

No more meds mixed with alcohol *

I’ll end up with a never ending migraine, texts I regret sending and now a fucking baby.

Pull it together girlfriend.

1:45 AM, Boylston St, near Berkley

(AKA almost home)

Walking behind a couple. but this guy is extra af. acting like hes in a romcom. dramatic laughing, while wearing a long beige peacoat…I think I even saw him do a lil tap dance with a twirl (kidding, but wouldn’t that be fun)

Then my podcast was interrupted by a commercial featuring Micheal Bublé

I got an icky feeling and hightailed it past those goobers

side note- my podcast was disturbed by Bublé AGAIN, in the same spot the very next night.

GO AWAY BRUH. I’m just not a jazz hands, kinda gal.

Digging in.

Coping skills that hurt to distract.

I walk by the first apartment I was every assaulted in two times a week. Usually around 12-2 AM.

I usually feel strong as I walk by.

Last night it bothered me more than usual.

I think I was subconsciously triggered by a guy on dope nodding off in the middle of Boylston St (and grabbing two sitting cops to try and help him. who didn’t move, just pretended to care. as they used to do also)

That was what was only the beginning of years of abuse.

And out of all those fights and attacks, I was ALWAYS told. “walk away when it starts getting bad”

The most screwed up part of that statement is how many times I did. That first night, (the night I realized he was actually abusive, it wasn’t minor anger problems) I WAS walking away.

I had my bags and I was in the elevator trying to get from the 4th floor to the front door.

He was screaming obscenities as I walked out the door and stepped in the elevator, before walking towards where I was.

As the door to the elevator was closing, he had an evil grin on his face while snickering at his crying girlfriend that he “loved”

Just as the door was almost shut, and I had almost made it out, he pulls it back open and before I could even lift my arms to protect myself or see anything coming I was gushing blood from my nose.

He had punched right in the face. The 6’2 grown man, punched his 5’2 and 115 pound girlfriend right in the face, turned around without a care and walked back in and shut the door to his apartment.

Not knowing what to do and being completely discombobulated, all I could do is crawl back to his door.

I opened the door and said “Why did you do that? look what you did?”

Ive been hit before, many times. It was part of growing up.

But no one, had ever just straight up punched me directly in the face out of pure evilness.

He opened the door, and noticed what he did. All of a sudden he cared, and was on the floor trying to take care of me and stop the blood.

Rushing me inside to avoid anyone seeing what he had done, apologizing repetitively.

That was the first time we sent him to detox, and just the beginning of over a year of more abuse.

I knew how to walk away, and I tried for a long time. There was no walking away, he wouldn’t allow it until neither of us had nothing left to lose.

Last night I noticed my fingernails automatically start digging into the skin on my hands to contain my composure.

Trauma doesn’t ever leave for good. You really only have one choice.

Accept it, face it, learn from it and just try and move on.

Honestly..

There is nothing worse than leather seats in an uber, when its hot outside.

plus all the windows are up, so I think Im also gonna suffocate or faint.

Never Forget

The biggest b*** at my job was at the front desk talking to us.

per usual I kept my eyes on the computer, then she goes “Im not really mean to anyone ever” of course I made eye contact with the other people in the inner circle and we got a good giggle outta it.

I walk in the break room like 15 minutes later and shes sitting there (laying on top of one of the lil college boys per usual) and shes talking shit about someone.

So I sit down and go “Sarah, I thought you were never mean”

(I know, the audacity *said her face*)

She deff was taken off guard that I threw that bad boy back at her. She goes “well if your being a jerk I am” (also who the fuck says “jerk” anymore)

I played fake and laughed along with her. (AKA at her…while im over here being honest)

Your an asshole& its not news. If you need to announce or declare that your “not mean”

…chances are…your mean. lol

doesn’t take a rocket scientist. just a community advisor at a rock climbing gym.

“They don’t like us because we have a voice and we use it”

YES. Its not morally correct, and I cannot answer a questions like “Don’t they want their workplace to be better?” without laughing

“No” They do not.

All they want is employees who follow in line and don’t question their authority, or stupid choices that effect others besides just themselves.

No, they are privileged little brats who get away with nasty things and then while getting paid (more than 90% of the staff) to play “wordle” you also had the time to premeditate the firing of the only other person left, who keeps you on your toes.

Ladies man? no.

I’d say more of a narcissist, who was chubby in high school and now can send a V6 or whatever.

aka a LITTLE BITCH boy

that shouldnt walk the streets alone at night without mace. why?

because popcorn muscles don’t come with street smarts

We love it

Galleries on Newbury street on walks home from Howl.

Im a sucker for the city at night.

~ The real question is

Who in the fuck told you that you could snowboard SIS?!

Good lord, stop. Its cringy, stick to children’s climbing competitions like you’re good at

I don’t have the bandwidth

Even when I am bored to even be slightly curious about what is happening in your life.

Why you care so much about my thoughts?

If I cared enough about you, trust me. I would have said what I told everyone else who thought it was creepy watching you jump all over any boy who remembers your name.

“Clearly her fiancé doesn’t like her that much if he proposed then ditched her ass for a year”

Is he really a “boat man”? or does he just want to have a place to crash when hes home for a few months?

(Oh, the irony of my limited bandwidth)

Fixation

Why do you continue to obsess over what Im doing?

Get a life, your phony. If I don’t fuck with you, and never have. Why do you feel the need to spend your time stalking me and openly saying it to people who are my friends.

Amber Heard – Johnny Depp

As someone with BPD, I have become pretty interested in watching these court cases.

I tried to give her a fair chance to explain a valid story.

But to sit there and say, you were hit by a grown man “so many times you couldn’t remember” with massive rings on almost every finger and all you have is a bruise on your arm.

From my experience, that is a bruise by someone trying to defend himself. My ex had scratches, he was probably the sweatiest human on the face of the earth. Pushing him away from me while not wearing a shirt, and physically attacking me.. he obtained scratches.

I get bruises all the damn time. Sometimes they’re impressively massive also, im clumsy..

The bruises I had from being in an abusive relationship looked nothing like a small mark from an arm grab. The marks I got on my face, from a hand with zero rings on it were not anything I could hide with foundation. Trust me, the effort was very much made. It was mortifying to walk into work like that.

If you took a picture of a bruise, you would have taken pictures of your face after being hit in the face. AND from what is described, you would have a mark/marks that wouldn’t be able to covered up with makeup.

It shouldn’t take this long to realize shes the abuser. I don’t exactly think all of this time is necessary…I mean she’s paying for her lies clearly.

Watching her make a mockery of Domestic Violence towards women with Borderline…is cringy.

It feels like shes now slapping the amount of people that have endured real abuse, and live everyday with it. Nevertheless, with an illness that makes it hard enough to live life anyways, right in the face.

I feel like with BPD, its so hard to compare any single human to another with the SAME diagnosis.

I can be manipulative without even knowing I am, or meaning to be. Unfortunately thats just how it is. But I physically have control over my body, just maybe not my mind. I could never bring myself to punch him. I just couldn’t, not even in defense.

Most people honestly, don’t have the brain capacity to understand an illness as complex as borderline.

We can be the abuser, or we can be the abused.

The villains make the headlines, the bad ones are so loud they steal the voices of the ones trying to get better, and be better. The ones who want to help, not hurt.