Category: mountains

It’s gonna be just fine.

I think before I kinda used this whole thing wrong. Because I live alone, mostly because I only can stand like a total of 5 people for more than 10 hours or so. I never lived alone before this. I went from an ex’s apartment, to having lunatic roommates, moving in with another boyfriend, getting a place with him. now. I is alone.

I don’t mind it. I have my bunny. I have enough friends (and a man friend kinda thing?) I have an imagination and am easily entertained.

Even during my youth. I grew up in and out of psych wards, programs, a residential school. My ex suggested I move in with roommates. Honestly, it may be best for him…but truly. It’s been my whole life. I used to hide in the bathroom. I still do. Even at my place. When I get stressed, or someones making me overwhelmed and I need some space. I sit in the bathroom like a damn weirdo.

BUT I wouldn’t have that habit, if most of my life it wasn’t the ONE place that I could be totally alone.

I will always remember the night I was in the shower and my roommate got restrained outside the bathroom door and I managed to salvage an extra 30/45 minutes in the bathroom cause she was deff a feisty lil one.

My original point is, this is an outlet. I can actually use it to exercise my mind. Instead of trying to get through a Jeffrey Dahmer Documentary. I can never seem to handle him. I love crime documentaries, and I was on a roll. I give it a go every once and while. Yeah, no though.

Stay gold, Ponyboy đź“š

The Outsiders.

One of the rare classics that made an amazing book/story into an also amazing film. Basically a teenage girls wet dream.

(I didn’t think girls could have “wet dreams” so I googled it. apparently we can have orgasms while having a dream, although we don’t “ejaculate”)

Found that to be a fun fact, and the word ejaculate makes me laugh but also uncomfortable at the same time.

The feelings I once had, are washing away with the tide

I was afraid to call him back, when I talk to him it usually makes me very sad. It’s bad for my mental health. For once though, I didn’t feel that way. I felt a bit sad of course, but only for the situation we were in together. Not about having feelings for him. I think I will always, in some form care for him. I’ll never feel the same as before though, I don’t even think I have for a long time. I don’t know how you can truly love someone who seems to just enjoy hurting you in every way.

I hung up on him after about 3 minutes because…I just don’t need to constantly remind someone I exist for them to call me. Especially someone, who was the most important person to him as of 6 months ago. His emergency contact, his biggest fan, the person that stuck with him everyday wanting to rip my fucking hair out. Thats what I do for love, and getting hurt is always how that seems to end. Nothing like that relationship was though.

He was, and is a selfish narcissist. The things he did, are unforgivable. He’s toxic, on drugs…and sober. Just as much of a liar, and as manipulative as before he went to “get help”

I wish him the best, but I’ll always remember what I went through. He never fixed it like he promised me he would. Every promise he ever made for over 2 1/2 years was broken. He will never know true love, because he’s never seen it and he’s never lived it& I was not the one to say that first.