Category: Uncategorized

ANYONE who knows me.

Knows that if they ask me a question they want to know the truth. Not a lie or sugarcoated, bubble wrapped bullshit. (Don’t ask, use your imagination. It sounded fun)

It doesn’t make me any worse than people who do that. Its just a different type of handling things. A different form of savage. Not purposely. Just generally the truth sometimes hurts, cause thats life. Other times the truth can be fucking lovely also!

You just need to know who your going to because everyone “handles with care” in their own ways.

From true crime and reality TV.

To music that calms my soul.

Calm over chaos.

I need to start it earlier in the night, is all. Then I think It may actually really be useful.

Plus I feel like Im missing my sense of connection with music, that I always had. I never want to lose that about myself, its one of the only things I ever liked about myself consistently throughout life.

I know my music. Always have.

Everyone does in a way obviously. It was just.. with some of my friends throughout my life.. I just never noticed the same passion and curiosity.

Depending on me to find new music, etc.

— touching myself with the magic of music again —

This dreamer needs a break from trash TV and ground myself again.

Its weird when I talk to my mom now and she slowly learns all the forms of abuse I endured that she never knew about.

Honestly, I was ashamed of what people already knew. I’m still ashamed and embarrassed that I accepted treatment like that for so long.

The big issues were just so out of control that the other things I didn’t want to burden people with. I also knew if I told anyone, they would be so upset with me for staying with someone like that.

I didn’t want either of those things, my life at home, with him…was toxic enough for me to not be able to handle any other form of conflict or stress.

I knew what I was going to do. Even if I knew it was wrong. I kept my mouth shut to avoid facing the reality that I was in love with someone severely ill. Someone I wanted to believe I could save, and I dug myself so deep. I felt like I wasted years of my energy and life trying to keep you alive.

The reality is that he was never savable.

And even if my loved ones are appalled…it was my reality. But here I am, accepting it. Not okay with it. Just was what it was. Its the past now. My past

Yeah it probably will always hurt a little bit, probably will never fully trust anyone again (didn’t really anyways)

Maybe one day Ill be able to speak out loud to someone the things Ive never said, I just need to be ready. Im still ashamed, but Im taking my time& thats fine with me.

Doesn’t mean I can’t keep on kicking ass and taking names in the meantime, like my mama taught me.

I teach these young boys so much, I swear.

My 21 year old coworker (doorman, total sweetheart) and I were talking about cheating in relationships.

He said “boys have it worse because they just cheat cause they are dogs. girls do it with emotion which is almost worse”

I said…”I’ve cheated on one person in my life. and I loved the fuck out of him, so much. The other guy made it easy, and he was basically an object. I wanted to teach him a lesson. I didn’t need him. So I felt the need to make it very clear he should probably stop acting like a (sick and twisted) twat if he wants to have a girlfriend, especially me.”

Lets just say his jaw dropped.

Love is the most confusing feeling, hands down. It triggers so many emotions in people.

We make mistakes, we learn.

We take note, clean up, and try the fuck again.

Cause thats the only option I have, at least.

I was raised a hopeless romantic, am a serial monogamous, co dependent as fuck… Im a hopeless cause if a girl can’t dream still.

My schedule is all sortsa fucked up.

I need to figure it out because its a little too messy for my liking.

he makes me nervous.

kinda always has.

hes not really my traditional “type”

he deff has more of a serious demeanor about him.. that Im not usually drawn to…whatsoever tbh.

usually I kinda dig a goober.

I noticed though when I make him laugh it feels good inside. like more of an accomplishment for making him smile.

So, Im pretty sure I just had an epiphany tonight that he makes me nervous because even if hes under 6 feet and is bald (like my last bf)…its because I like him.

Lawd give me the mental strength to not make the same mistake two times in a row

Even though I really wanna keep making him smile still…I need to maintain self control this time.

to show you how tough you are.

and it won’t be cute. I know it, and you know it

Euphoria, honey grow, lover boy, weed and an apartment revamp

I get this feeelin’

– me facing my dislike for physical contact with friends –

or not dislike, discomfort.

I’m getting good at hugs. It makes me feel warm inside.

Im like a cuddly, clingy pain in the ass in relationships then I act like a weirdo with my friends and family.

I don’t get it. I don’t get a lot of things though.

Just add it to the list