Category: collage

Boys & Girls

Tonight was funny. Since I work at the front desk full-time, I came in at 2 PM and my supervisor is the only one with me until 6 PM, then my favorite coworker comes in. So I felt like I was just staring at the clock for hours. Even when he came in, I just could not wait for her to leave.

I always have way more fun when the supervisors leave the building, except the general manager, I have the hots for him.

My favorite coworker is so good at sarcasm and a straight face…plus the damn mask. I’m pathetically gullible.

One day I was bitching about someone micro managing me over my damn shoulder when I didn’t need help.

A few hours later he comes over and starts doing that…so after I finished with the person I looked over at him all pissy. He started smiling and then I understood. He’s a crafty one

Then today, I texted him before he came in just to warn him about Misses know it all. Just saying that I couldn’t wait for him to get in, because I was kind of losing my mind with her. Starting to get wicked annoyed.

Finally she left so I started pulling the same shit, I was mimicking her actions on the computer so perfectly.

“Yeah, yeah…so your gonna wanna ummmm yeah, click this..then ummm”

OH MY.

It’s too comical

It always ends usually with a good night. Plus, my coworker that was injured came in and he was talking to us about dating apps, and the struggle. Which I know all about. So I gave up on them obviously and I’m kicked off about all of them. He wants to get rid of his too.

He’s really handsome. Like when I say handsome, almost drop dead gorgeous beautiful. But he was talking about how bad he is with getting girls, or understanding if they like him. He said he never really noticed when a girl liked him, and he would find out way later. Wondering why they didn’t go up to him, I told him it’s the same reason he didn’t go up to anyone and do that. If you don’t try you’ll never know. I’m such a goober when it comes to dating advice. I mean, honestly though, he’s so fucking good looking that he has the right to be picky if he wanted.

Such a sweet kid though. Before we reopened, it used to be me him, and the other guy that was upfront with me tonight so it was almost like Larry, Moe and Curly reunited.

This fucker that works in facilities who has been pissing me off so much lately, always comes up and changes the music….When I literally created a playlist and personally put in music that I knew he liked into the playlist. Then he turns on a radio station with half the music that’s already in my fucking playlist which is on the speakers currently.

I already had told them both on different days that I couldn’t stand when he does that. So when he was doing it I had a bitchy face on, and my other two doods were staring at me with smiles on their face because they knew I was not feeling it. Then he leaves, and we decide to put on like the Jonas brothers. For a reason that I’m not gonna get into. Ironic purposes

He sent the front desk a message on our little slack/messaging system with a sad face emoji with headphone emoji next to it.

When people do that, we can reply with emoji’s or like lil gifs. So we didn’t know which one to do, I deep down was wanting to do the middle finger, but instead we just did this little bird gif that’s dancing.

My life be like oOoOOoOooOoh aaaAaaah

Little Salon 🌸

This room is a pastel, floral, and absolutely magical work of art.

Its also the first room that I truly was jaw dropped by, before I knew anything about art history. Or who Isabella Stewart Gardner was.

It’s such a pretty lil masterpiece

🎀 With a pretty pink bow on top 🎀

It will set you free

That’s one thing I’m actually good at. I’m not good at many things.

I’m a music junkie. I have been my entire life.

It sounds so cliché and annoying. It pisses me off even to say it, but music did save my life and continues to everyday, probably.

I’ll always remember myself in middle school. Those were terrible years of my life…it kinda set my youth up for failure. Derp.

I didn’t really trust many people at that point in my life. Probably two. My best friend at the time, and my ex-boyfriend.

I started to form insomnia and really bad anxiety, and I would stay up really late at night on my computer. I would sit on the computer for hours and hours exploring random music and finding new stuff to fulfill me.

I would make old-school mix CDs

(I kinda feel bad for the kids these days who can’t experience that)

All the music my friends, siblings/cousins listened to, was introduced by me. I don’t know why people make that sound like a snobby thing though….It’s one of the only things I’m good at, can’t we just like consider it a sport?

The real point is though, it spoke to me. Always has. In ways humans couldn’t at that point especially. When I need it it’s always there. It

made me feel… understood. It was like a friend.

(it does run in my genetics. But the way I love music is unexplainable. I couldn’t get to the point of it. I’ve been a walking jukebox my whole life)

Everyone listen to music. It makes the world go round. And maybe it could save your life if you give it a chance

“You’re uhhh”

*lots of disgruntled sounds*

“You’re special, different…not like anyone I’ve known…I don’t know the right word for it….look around your place. Describe it in one word?”

Me and my dark humor –

“Uh…a creative clusterfuck? messy masterpiece? hoarders heaven?”

*Him reminding me to be positive*

“Free”

“It’s me. It doesn’t make sense. But neither do I, it’s my own little creative nest. I’m a free bird.”

Freedom of expression. wear it, speak it…live in it

I also don’t like being held down or restrained…out of control. Metaphorically or Physically.

It’s not a theory one wants to test.

I’m far from perfect. Very far.

He started a game. He did. I played.

When I play, I play. I can’t be that quiet, meek girl. She does not exist anymore. She only did for a short while. A long time ago, I don’t miss her. I feel bad for her. As an adult, sometimes I envy her though. It was being strong, broken and hiding it.

There was no in between. Not many people can remember the day…that it changed. The day they found their voice. I can. Like the back of my hand. Because it happened like a flip of a switch.

It’s not a powerful, happy story. It’s a girl, afraid to eat in the cafeteria at about 85 pounds, bullied by mean girls, a learning disability, crippling anxiety, trust issues, depression, constant fear of judgement, hating who I saw looking back at me in the mirror. I was broken when I found my voice. I was angry, and fed up.

As much as I would like to say the anger will at sometime subside. Finding your voice when your a kid, at your lowest of lows, so confused and scared of life, her thoughts and herself. I honestly thought that part had gone.

When I found my voice. It’s been used the same way, for all these years. To protect myself, to protect the people I love, to defend people that don’t show me they have the voice to do it themselves. Something I wish I had at one point.

But my protection doesn’t always help. me. or others. I don’t ever go into a situation with bad intentions, but if something arrises, you will hear me.

I regret a lot of the “defending” I did. I think it was something those people needed to do, and learn on their own. In their own way, just as I had.

I was in love, you hurt me. more than once, more than I could count. You exited me though, more than I think anyone has? I know I was hurting when I met you, but I don’t think that’s why we ended up together. Or why I put up with what I did. I fell in love.

You can’t throw away years of your life trying to help someone else though. That just makes you more angry. I spent so many years of my life, angry. Mostly by watching this shit show, we call humanity.

After tonight, I don’t want to do these things anymore.

I played his game, only wanting him. Brought others along for what I thought was just something they were fine entertaining. They said they were fine with it. So do a lot of people….(as clearly stated above) When I was busy wrapped up in something I wanted, I’m not focusing on the pieces I’m using in the game. They are there when I call or text. I didn’t question why. It was selfish.

I failed to pay attention to what I used to stay very aware of…how others felt about me. As I got older I realized guys were attracted to me for my mouth, the shock factor, the honesty and interest in truly knowing someone. The things I used to be hated for. Thats when both worlds kind of collided.

Three guys. I fucking dragged along, and granted, they shouldn’t have stuck around (as I shouldn’t have for my ex) but now they are attached to me. Fell for me. I was so wrapped up in myself, and the person I loved. Being angry with him. Trying to fill a void that can’t be filled with just anyone.

I need to heal. I let these people close to me, but when they get to close. I break their hearts, and not gently. I break my own also, and disappoint myself. My voice starts getting used for the reasons I resent it. Pushing people away, keeping them from getting too close. Saying nasty things so they will never want anything to do with me again.

It’s such a sick and twisted way of thinking. Things that once felt good, don’t anymore. Because I’m not an angry kid anymore. Being angry then, felt fine. Felt reasonable, at least. I’ve grown since then and by being mean to someone who has tried to be there for me, just so I scare them away….isn’t worth it on either end. I need to shut up, and be strong. and silent. I did it then, I should be able to do it every once and a while now…I’d friggen hope so.

It’s been a rough year. But I’m finding a lot out about myself and things I truly need to work on. Things that have been living inside me for a long time. Demons I thought I had got rid of. Although, they probably can’t ever be fully gone, I can learn to manage it better. I don’t need to hurt myself or anyone else anymore.

I wish I hadn’t said those terrible things to someone who I feel did genuinely want to show me love. I got scared. Because I don’t think I’ll ever feel the same, and I can’t use someone to replace something thats not replaceable.