Category: mood

I took off four days to pack my apartment.

Yet of course I failed to take off the first of the month…AKA my move in date.

So second time in a year my mother and co. (😂) will be moving me in before I even see my new place.

Also, I kind of wish I was working at least one day…but my co worker (supervisor) basically told me not to pick up shifts. Because I’m kind of one of the few people who comes in to pick up shifts and help out whenever needed….

She basically wants to send a message that we need more people up front and my manager needs to pay attention to the schedule so we have people to work. Not one or two people trying to do 8 million things at once and closing every shift.

I get her point for sure, and she doesn’t want me to be taken advantage of. Like have them get so comfortable with me always doing it, that when I can’t, I’m made to feel bad.

She’s one of the sweetest people I’ve known.

Although the thing about people who are still getting to know me don’t fully realize..is that I only do what I feel like doing on my down time. I’d work for money. Not to JUST to help them out. I help out, depending on who Im helping. Not just for everyone. Im not gonna pick up a shift to help and work with a coworker who’s annoying. I would pick one up for a friend, or pick up a shift to work with and help someone out that I enjoy being around and also have nothing better to do…

I work for money. and to feel good. not to consistently please everyone.

Do I think it will last forever?

When I have the time to think about it enough…no. I don’t.

I think it’s a cycle that’s infinite for you.

And do I REALLY even care? Like I thought I did…or was supposed to?

At this point. Fuck. No.

The things you’ve done are almost completely unforgivable, and thats something thats taken a lot of time to grasp and took a lot of “thinking about” to accept.

I made a mistake, that I would never make again. &at the end of the day. I don’t care if you rise or fall. In fact, I kind of expect you to fall.

Who knows, maybe you’ll finally prove someone wrong about how rotten you are.

Yet, somehow I find that very hard to believe. Just digging younger and weaker as you get older and creepier.

I’m proud of myself

I think more than I ever have been.

I mean, my whole life has been a rollercoaster, but the last few years were very trying for me.

The way I went from rock bottom, being hurt, trying to hurt myself, literally zero control of my emotions, having to move…the list of the shit show I call 2020, could go on and on…

I am now doing things and getting recognition for things I never thought I would even be capable of. For a lot of people it wouldn’t mean that much, I’m assuming…but knowing how many times I could have given up, like I had already done so many times in my past. The second shit gets too hard for me to manage.

There is no quit in me anymore. I think the mental torment I endured almost thickened my skin. I have nothing to lose, If I believe in myself I can achieve even more than what I have which is scary but exiting.

Being acknowledged for hard work, especially when you question your own capabilities more than anyone else around you…feels fucking awesome.

Don’t wait until I can’t hear you

Although my meeting with my manager yesterday was like a long overdo therapy session that consisted of me carrying a mini moleskin full of my thoughts and concerns. (I also had the journal because I was afraid of the full moon and how it was going to effect the whole shindig)

I think I went a little too hard. Maybe.

But don’t run your mouth about me when I walk away then smile and play nice to my face. ..with me..your best bet is to say it to my face and lets sort it out..

I feel like yeah, some (most) people say that …and actually are too sensitive to hear it directly. I try to make it clear thats not me. I’m sorry if you didn’t catch the obnoxious hint, that is my presence, by now.

So when I hear someone is being fake to me, i’m not a total fan of it. It doesn’t necessarily make me feel bad about myself, it just makes me annoyed..and thats basically it.

Theres only so much shade and shit talk you can toss around before it gets back to that person, when that happens. You can’t expect the person who was being nice to your face and behind your back to HAVE your back.

no.nope.nothanks.

that ship has since sailed.

killing three birds with one moleskin mofo’s

Spoke too soon.

Yesterday I just got a lot of anger towards him.

I hadn’t in a while, but it just crept up unfortunately and I let all the savage out.

But, it was a pink super moon last night.. that was (according to astrology) effect my sign a fuck ton, emotionally.

Sooo maybe it had something to do with that.

I don’t want to be vaccinated

Usually it would be because I hate needles.

But I just don’t want something injected into me without seeing reactions or side effects that could happen.

I’ve been medicated more than half my life. Side effects don’t always happen the second the medication is in your body, having its way with you.

I just don’t understand why everyone acts like its voting. Like post it all over social media and tell everyone you know that “you’re vaccinated”

(and yes, at work…I still need to take your temp. even after you announce your vaccination)

Listen, when I can take this fucking mask off, and dodge temp checks. Sure, then shoot me up with that shit I guess..but until then. No. Chill.