No contained spaces

I still don’t fully know how I worked sales at a bouldering gym for like 3 fucking years

When in reality, I just like climbing mountains, statues in the city at early hours of the morning while drunk, and most inanimate objects while under the influence. Literally no part of me should be climbing much of anything sober..at all…

It was a contained space, full of mostly mentally contained humans…Which is the opposite of everything I stand for.

People stressing themselves out for missing a damn fake, neon colored rock in the wall.

&If I sound judgmental. Its cause I am. especially about people who spent years of my life thinking I cared about their opinions of me. I don’t care what you have to say, I will check you, and that makes you scared. Have all the control you want over a chunk of plastic in the wall, Im a whole ass WOMAN, whos lived a fucking colorful life for 30 years. Way more colorful than this wall covered in fake rocks.

No wonder my stress level was so high, looking back…you were either a lovable free spirit, or just cringy to be around. No in between.

Its like trying to find a boyfriend who can have fun while drinking instead of turning into a twat, or taking it too far. Its basically impossible. Because this person over here is fun and mentally stimulating…but that person is the reason humans irk my existence on this planet.

I just kinda wish I had quit a whole year before and used my better judgement about who I was living my life around.

No, I actually don’t want to come in to work everyday and ask the moody boy which one of his teenage girlfriends, upset him today while he hugs his black coffee thinking its edgy…

If thats my daily amusement. Ive officially lost my fuckin’ sparkle

Ava Max is a queen

I never knew you could just go upstairs at Paradise rock club until last night. I actually thought I had to stand within white tape on the ground. Upstairs was like an adult jungle gym. It was dark and trippy like an episode of American Horror Story. when we first went to the bathroom up there I thought we might be entering an episode of AHS. There were like two stalls, no one tallking to each other (come on ladies, just because we’re like the only straight girls here doesn’t mean we need to be boring) The level of uptight in that bathroom was not necessary, and should have never allowed me to go to the level of saying “I even talk to my boyfriend when hes pooping. why is everyone so awkward in here” then feel the need for a stranger to reassure me it wasn’t that weird.

Even in reality if it is weird, I mean we walked outside to a line for the mens room that looped around the top floor. I was stunned, and started to help plot sneak them into the ladies room, til my friend walked me away.

THEY BROKE THE DAMN SEWAGE AND ARE STILL HAVING FUN GIRLS.

I was unhinged last night. I confronted a girl who was putting on her mascara while twitching at me.

Her eyes were just huge, so I don’t think she meant to make my friend uncomfortable. I think…she just had big eyes and a twitch, so then I felt like an asshole and her twitch intimidated me.

It was just a bunch of weird occurrences, then we found this table and realized we could just stand on them and dance.

Which is where I was apart of my first “train”

It was long overdue

Because truly nothing else gets me going as much as dancing with gay guys that have no fucks to give about any rules, only music and feelings.

I felt like I could just do whatever I wanted, it was so freeing to dance on a couch, be able to hop off the couch and back onto it just so I can “JUMP” when she tells me to.

*Yes, If a musician tells me to “jump” …I will say “how high, motherfucker”*

I was hitting my head on the ceiling because of how exited to wreak havoc I was. I didn’t even care.

Next time a boyfriend tells me “I need to go to rehab” im just gonna say “no. I need to get totally wasted and be let loose at the paradise rock club” (MGM is ALWAYS killing my vibe these days)

Its the only non padded mental institution you don’t need to section me, to get me into.

I don’t know

I just felt like I was never cut out for this world, never mind this life..

Ive always felt that way. Since I was a kid. Before I hit puberty

I’m not stupid. I never have been. I have knowledge that most people I grew up will never retain.

I also wouldn’t wish this information on my worst enemy, especially as of how young I was.

What I do know is when I understood what suicide was….I always said “I want to die” before age 13.

But until you take that action to do so, you don’t have the amount of fear until that very moment.

It made me weak, scared and sad. I was just a kid. I just wanted all the pain in my brain and mind to fucking stop. Thats all. I never thought, I would be told…. “you will struggle with this your entire life”

When I did hear that. I didn’t have much hope for a life. Because I knew at the end of the day what I wanted…It sure as shit didn’t include making it to 30 years old.

It didn’t include the immense amount of trauma I hadn’t even experienced yet.

All I know right now is, I was never built for this world. Im too sensitive, honest and vulnerable.

This world is so cutthroat and takes so much effort to survive daily… I don’t know that I will ever have that in me.

I think when I overdosed both times …It was easier to blame it on a breakup..

I didn’t want to wake up though. Especially to my mom, which makes me sad.

I know how much she loves me, and I love her.

My father didn’t even reach out or show an ounce of care.

I just acted upon something I already predicted at some point in my life.. I was trying to outlive my mom..

yet she’s nearing 60 and is the healthiest person her age that I know.

I’ve always thought I’d outlive my father. but I wouldn’t care either way. He always made it clear to me and my sister “At the end of the day, I will always be on your mothers team. She will ALWAYS be before you two”

And same here….My mother will always mean more to me than he could. Same with my sister…. as pathetic and attention hungry as she is and always has been. My past will never be forgotten to her, because she won’t allow either of us to forget it. Its selfish and nasty. She kind of always has been…but I always would take a bullet for her.

Shes always had more potential than me. Both my parents know that. Or at least made that clear to me.

I was always the “identified patient”

Wouldn’t life be EASIER without me? Because all I do is feel like a pain in the ass. Just existing on this earth.

I’ve never understood

Why you clearly have always WANTED to see me.

I know that, so do you.

I can’t tell if its insecurity or he’s afraid of what he’s gonna get.

I just don’t get…or want you to always see me as the person I was..the last time I saw you.

You were my first love. We never got closure.

So it’s literally never been closed. We both know it, we’ve both shown it..

Otherwise we would have given up a decade ago..

Its Alarming

I just kind of had an epiphany

I was fired for putting an impersonation of my goober of a supervisor on TikTok

(why were they even looking at it? Idfk. bored)

But either way, I was asked to do the impersonation. It was fucking funny, for the people actually closing the gym and doing the supervisors jobs for them, so they could go home…

In reality though. You associate, and “climb” with someone I’ve known my whole life.

Someone whos almost killed me in a 7-11 parking lot. Someone who has drugged my best friend. I could go for days…

Compare it dude. all hypocrites. The difference between me and them is that Im real.

I never disclosed the information, I really could have…

Theres this thing I have though.. Its called a soul

My old manager aged two decades in a year visually. And he no backbone, he knows the truth, but he’s weak and scared. no matter how many rocks, or frozen mountains he climbs up.

Different gifts for different people

i’ve always found it very, funny but strange, and have always known.. my dad and my sister were gifted with book smarts.

I mean, I wasn’t exactly set up to win in the town I lived in. Emotionally or educationally. So that led to a total breakdown, at a young age.

My sister and dad always were better at things than me and my mom…Well, they were book smart. Essentially they had the shit that helps you get places in life…the healthy way… (lol)

At least thats what I was taught to think..

but they can be double the size of us, and we have always been stronger. physically.

I mean, they might be able to sing along to a song and use all the right words…

…but put us on a sketchy city street walking home, and trust me…we’re a way worse target.

Its always been that way. Shes the boss. I was raised by a fucking boss bitch.

Its good and bad, and very stressful.

Thats the moral of this story, I think…I got lost.

Lifes been shit lately