it’s disappointment. That’s the root of the entire problem. As my father, being attacked as I’m pulling in the driveway by you was a very real reality for me many times. You are double my size, at one point probably three times my size. And I realize the real problem is for me. That I think that if you were in the car any of those times, as a fly on the wall . The entire scenario would’ve been different. Not to offend mom because I know she gets offended by everything I say. This is just who she is, we all have things that trigger us. I know that I am a strong, hardheaded person very much like mom. So it’s kind of normal in my head now for two people very similar, one as a teenager, and one as the parent for us to fight and disagree. That’s an even a stereotype. But also for her to be so different from me, and high school is a huge part of it, she loved high school everything was peachy for her then. Meanwhile, I had already been going through hell since elementary school with mean, girls, bullying, my learning disability. I was so shy and anxious to even speak sometimes. I only felt safe around you guys, and people that I was really close to. But as I got older, I couldn’t relate to mom. At all. And I think we were both confused and created a lot of tension.. But also, she was in my life more actively. I think that we know when we get in the car with mom, the car tends to turn into a circus. I know for a fact that both you and Sydney know that. She radiates the stress to everyone else in the car. I would get in the car with her, and I would just feel like I was drowning and suffocating. as someone suffering from a mental illness, being a teenager and not knowing or understanding, what even, myself…did not know… that became subconsciously one of the worst places I can be while having a panic attack. Its the same with Sydney. I shut down now as an adult, to avoid conflict. I avoid it. but most of all, IM AWARE. Im aware what triggers me, so I avoid it, which creates a healthy situation for my life and well being. I just don’t think you understand that deep down, what hurts me the most, is you never where in these car rides. Ive witnessed you get out of a car with her and say “you walking home” (once again, let me make it CLEAR, not blame towards her. it clearly caused her anxiety that spread to others. that is relatable and normal) but If a fight is breaking out in her car, as it did, many times. All your getting is a snippet of an extreme frantic phone call from someone, who is understandably scared in a car with two girls fighting. I also, know..Im not to blame for all of me and Sydneys fights, thats just delusional. I spent way too many years of my life with a sister, 18 months apart from me and felt like I could never get a break from. I was reliant on her in many ways, as she was me. In a way that is not as visual to you guys. all of my social relationships, outside of the four of us, basically included her, even if I tried to avoid it. That adds a whole new level of toxic onto an already toxic sisterhood. She held resentment towards me, and I was just trying to move on, because I was literally traumatized by the things she resented me for. I can’t change what I did as a fucking teenager. I don’t owe repeating that to anyone, at all anymore. And I am not gonna. Me and you had a totally different relationship than me and mom had. You were a calming force for me. You helped my anxiety, you did not increase it unless it was an all out mess already. I find it very hard to believe that If you were a fly on the wall of any of those car rides, you would be aware I wasn’t always just sitting there looking for a good fight. I was never gonna win, it was always two against one. Thats a fact, and that night, I realized, I couldn’t win in ANYWAY, no matter what I was gonna do. I wasn’t allowed to verbally express myself without offending someones feelings over something silly like a dresser, and I wasn’t allowed to physically protect myself against someone double my size. I was hit first. end of the story, I took many hits before I hit her. I was on the floor of a dark truck, underneath someone who wanted to hurt me and wasn’t gonna stop. So I hurt her by accident. All you understood was I was arrested in Boston, for domestic assault, against a man who could have killed me many times if I wasn’t physically strong enough to protect myself from him. I barely was, I got choked and suffocated, then right after had my head slammed on tile floors, I got hit on door frames by my hair like a rag doll, I had every form of drink possible poured on my head in public and not, I would set him off and get punched in the face over and over. The list could go on and on. I was arrested for scratch marks and defending him when they separated us, while he made me look crazy. If you watch body cam footage, on the Gabby Petito case, she probably wouldn’t have been killed in a national park by her fiance if the cops could have recognized his manipulation.
You would be at home after work, get a phone call from your wife, frantic in a car (which we all know is actually normal for her, that wasn’t new) screaming after almost every scenario was almost totally blown out of proportion, looking back. The problem is everytime, without hesitation or knowing what happened, you grabbed for me. Which we all know I was the easier target, always. All I have is speed. In which wasn’t of use when my hospital gown is actually ripped off of me by my sister, (in the winter) then you have me cornered. I KNOW. I didn’t deserve that. because I don’t think anyone deserves that. Its sick.
If you can’t become aware of that..with everything laid out for you. I am glad to have you out of my life.
But the root of all of this for me, Ive realized is only disappointment.
You were the person who made me feel safe and I trusted you more than anyone, yet you could snap and turn on me in one frantic phone call and I would be terrified.
As a 30 year old woman, I don’t have any place in my life for hitting people physically, tearing people down or adding stress to my life.
Deep down, I know who I am now.
Im proud of her, I feel bad you don’t know her.
I have a lot of thoughts. Its a mess up there 