I have a lot of thoughts. Its a mess up there

The longer I realize I was babied for so long.

Honestly, I have to admit that im realizing that the hard way, as most do, but a lot younger.

My mental illness was almost an excuse to have my mom call and fix everything for me.

Now I procrastinate all the things I know, that I NEED to do…and when you want SO BAD to be truly independent, its a harsh realization.

Taxes used to mean a shopping spree and endless weed. or even two years ago…upgrading/moving my apartment by myself.

Now its like just a panic attack at the thought.

Sleep won’t make it go away though, so I better buckle up…because I’m going to have to face it head on.

And even though I was babied in certain ways, Ive also had to be extremely mentally strong in ways not many people do, at a really young, important part of my life.

So Its not like it can be nearly, or even close to be that bad, compared to anything else Ive faced in life.

My brain always turns something small into something huge and over the top.

I need to wake myself up every once and a while to tell myself that, or even write it down to believe it.

If I know ONE fucking phone call could solve a lot of stressful problems…it shouldn’t be hard for me to do it.

Being my own worst enemy is such a bitch

I got this Strawberry Lemonade THC infused energy drink mix and it works fucking wonders.

I drank one and vacuumed my whole apartment yesterday.

Stoner crack.

I’m here for it

I hate when someone tries to make me feel immature for going to a concert on a Wednesday night with my friends..and staying out until 11 at the music venue thats a 20 minute walk from my house.

Um excuse me sir.

Both my friends I attended the show with are both waking up at the same time as you tomorrow, if not earlier. what does “being almost 32” have anything to do with that.

good shit. well last time I checked we graduated high school the same year…and both my friends are two years, or more, older than me if we wanna get technical?

I started going to concerts in elementary school. My parents just kinda raised us going to concerts for graduation presents, birthdays, honestly it was one of our favorite things to do AS A FAMILY…

So sorry that I’m 30 and work until 2 AM on weekends (which you don’t do, nor want or have to) If it makes me happy, it makes me happy. Therefore that’s what I’m gonna do until I feel otherwise?

If we’re talking about ages. why in the fuck do I need a weekend off? I wouldn’t be caught dead in my place of work, as a customer, over the age of 27. (if ever)

You lived in your damn mothers basement until last year, and just totaled your car.

hate to harm your fragile ego (goddamn aries men)….but your lifes actually pretty standard..

Tbh it sounds boring as fuck. and lonely.

So he can take his “almost 32” year old, bad attitude to work with him and then come home and sulk about it.

Not my problem.

Its also not my problem that I only like you enough to use you as a rebound for a fucking decade dude. You allow it, your boring and maybe if you didn’t sit in your pity, or try to bring others down to feel better, I’d see you more than just how “Jenny loves Forrest Gump”

Don’t compare me to a “linebacker” because your joke about being 32 didn’t make legit any sense.

“It doesn’t take a linebacker OR a rocket scientist to realize you’re clearly butthurt”

^^ I enjoyed that lil comeback, don’t tempt my one liners bruh ^^

Sorry that I simply asked “what that mean?” and you had no answer?..

(Probably just the voices in his head)

I realized Im actually only just an instagram girl.

I remember being 27 and being upset because my 30 year old boyfriend didn’t post enough pictures of us “on facebook”, my jobs were public, my relationship, etc.

It was really unhealthy. I feel like for most people, its rooted from insecurity within themselves and their own lives…

I just don’t care, unless theres a reason to. it seems so petty that I would probably break up with anyone for pestering me about it. like embarrassing a bit.

Its such a day and night difference. legit, zero use of snapchat except like twice a year. Thats literally an app that should ONLY be used by fuckboys and young adults. I mean come on…lol. either facetime me or come over.

The truth is, when you’re busy enjoying and actually living your life. I like to capture for memories and culture. Not to show the people Im hanging out with, or a fake smile, for some likes.

I mean…I got facebook as a freshman in high school. that was legit like 17 years ago. Instagram, or this is used for my passions. Art, creativity, letting my thoughts out. A healthier outlet.

I still see these same people that are like 30-40 with all their lives public. A few public memes won’t hurt me. A few pictures…but like.. unless your in my life on a daily basis. The whole world, and anyone who wants to look me up..doesn’t need to my job, where I live, who I fuck, who I date, who I live with, my entire family.

None of it.

(I cut the baby boomers some slack, since facebook seemed like watching them re learn how to walk. It was revolutionary for them. So, have at it my like..fuckin’ 25 aunt and uncles)

It just reminds me how seriously, I used to take it. Its so silly and immature now that its weird to me that anyone cares.

Thank god for evolution and turning 30.

This is my fuckin’ decade for sure.

I’m starting to feel bad for someone I have a true distaste for.

I mean to be honest.

You fired me for “Bullying” someone who does an impersonation of you trying to lift weights, but looking like your gonna snap your back in half while trying.

Then you got fired.

But I realized. That gym almost manipulates you into making it your entire life.

Like when people would say to me, “Why dont I see you on the wall bouldering ever?”

(probably the one shift I wasn’t closing for the incompetent supervisors)

Okay so…you want me to come in before 2:30 PM just so I can spend the rest of my day here?… It still sounds ludicrous to me. I would have ZERO life outside of that gym. I was there already 5 times a week stomaching some of the most bored people Ive ever met. (not all. I have true love for some of them, that cant be replaced) but that actually know me…because I have to trust you for me to be open…which is rare when I smell fake from more than “6 feet apart”

When everyone kept thinking I was gonna quit my second job, and would ask why I didn’t?

Like fuck no…

because look what you people did?

You fired me because you are truly just… simple people who were intimidated by me.

Theres nothing wrong with being simple, but if you have a negative, holier than thou aura about you. Yeah, thats gonna turn me off. And I wasn’t blessed with the “gift” of pretending I care about you. I kinda preferred when you used to think you were better than anyone, and would stay on the couch in the other room.

Clearly someone else did..when they fired you a few months after you got to fire me.

Then they show up at the job I always loved, months later, which I refused to quit and work at to this day, which they all know since they literally stalk me.. and I worked there before I became the closest Ill ever become to a minion at a damn climbing gym.

I never allowed that place to become my entire life. those people did. Im am so truly happy, and happier in life, now.

This girl made the gym her entire life, same with a lot of the employees. But now you don’t work there so..apparently you want to come pay cover charge to try and intimidate me at my safe, and happy place….with all of your coworkers who didn’t get fired, yet also made that their entire life.

Im starting to feel bad for them.

I maintained a life outside of that gym. So those aren’t my only friends.

So overall I almost feel bad…because its now pretty sad and embarrassing.

I mean. If you have all the spare time to literally be looking at all my social media…daily. STILL. You need to get an actual life.

That when someone likes me, they are fucking relentless and annoying

yet when I like someone its like trying to keep Pete Davidson loyal and trustworthy

Your not nearly good looking enough for that

and your way too stressful to be that confident. I promise you

Ill never pretend to LIKE someone I don’t.

Its just not how my mind, body, anything….(bleh) will let me roll with.

If your rude to me for two years, then Im finding out, one by one…this isn’t a “new thing”

Than when you wanna play phony friends…I mean sorry im not down? Im far from an actress.

But I will say…sweetheart. Why are you showing up at my second job, spending like 80 dollars to try and make me feel uncomfortable? Just to stay for five minutes

I no longer get paid to be as fake (as much as my facial expressions, voice tone or blatant sarcasm) will allow me to be…

I get paid to remind you- your the equivalence of how my dad defines a cop. except naturally dirtier. “A nerd their whole life, who finally has power, attention and is now on a power trip”

Im just glad I don’t look like my first kiss was from my blood cousin, suffer from being a ginger and having gingivitis…yet hasn’t smoked a cigarette a day in your life, and might break their back from recording themselves pretending they know how to “Lift” and being perfectly imitated (for months) from the person you accused me of “bullying”, or begging for attention/laying all over boys who are basically children..? and have a five year old boy say you “should be fired!” when his parents spend money for him to run away from you and hang with the fun ones at the desk.

You know you love me

xoxo Karma

How I did gain one of the most beautiful realizations in my lifetime out of one of the darkest experiences.

First off, I can’t date addicts anymore.

(I mean what a pain in the ass anyways, no offense from a borderline b*tch obvi)

But I was put on this earth for music.

That is the one passion Ive always truly had, and was special at. 

My ears are magic. maybe I have “auditory processing” problems. I have a “Learning disability” but that makes me capable of appreciation for instrumentals to a different level of understanding for most, and talent you know you could never replicate or pull off at all.

But being in an abusive relationship, the one, most valuable things I gained was…freedom. How to turn my mind off from pain. How to dance and leave reality. Shut my mind off for a few hours and not care about anything else besides the music and motion.

Why do I care if I have my mothers terrible rhythm while dancing? when I was blessed with her learning “disability” and bliss of enjoying dancing no matter what. Her confidence and natural glow..

My dad raised me on good music. I couldn’t have ever asked for two more creative (yet the Captain of the football team and Captain of the cheerleading team at the same high school) parents.

I’m 30, Ive seem each of them drunk once each. Tipsy is what they master. Just as I do.

But if you had even asked me a year ago. No way.

I just want to dance, listen to music and use my mental illness for good and to make money doing it. And Im thankful that I’ve come to accept myself for who I am, my weaknesses and my strengths. Most of all, what I feel I was meant to do.

when I told my (old) coworker (“boyfriend” “sidekick” “Tweedle dee to my dum”) Id be holding two of our other coworkers engagement party for free, at one of the most badass places in Boston.

For all the support, positivity and love that he gave me… and taught me to have when I felt like I wanted to honestly be dead…I could not be more grateful for that.

He said “I hope so” and I said “I promise”

I love this life, Im blessed and loved. Im strong, smart in my own ways, and FINALLY feel happy.

Free of my own mental torture or anyone who could add to it daily.

Moral of the story: “Live free or die” (as New Humpshire would say) but also, dance while your doing it. **

I hop from one relationship to the next.

Its like a revolving door of the same guys

But im tired of staying or being attracted to the ones who are a total hassle.

I think this time I chose who is best for my reality. someone who can understand me, in ways…no one else can? because we experienced something that only me and him went through.

He did treat me well, it was bad timing the first time.

I was straight out of a relationship with someone who was emotionally and physically abusive, for years…that I lived with.

I wasn’t emotionally available and I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.

Although…here I go again with the emotional water signs …