I am so hesitant with new Psychiatrists

First off, no one prescribes Benzo’s anymore, EVEN gabbapentin. Which when I was first prescribed it…it wasn’t even considered abusable?

Its been a while since Ive fully adjusted to someone besides my doctor before Covid, she moved to CA like a sellout and left me hanging with all these derpy excuses for doctors.

What? you missed the last two classes of class you fucking geniuses? otherwise you should be able to understand reasons people are actually prescribed them with ZERO space to abuse them, unless I want to be an agoraphobic, depressed person.

Im just sick of it.

Don’t waste your money and go to school so you can come out and be just as useful as me without a PHD. Listen, Im not even trying to be an asshole, but I live in Boston. I know way way too many people in medical school that don’t understand that I know exactly what they are talking about..when they’re trying to prove points. I kind of give up, because they already have proof of “more qualification” but don’t talk about psych meds with me, and think I won’t understand why the won’t refill yours. Its basically the same reason they botch filling my wellbutrin every week. You need to order two of..basically the same prescription..something in these systems get fucked up. Really often.

I was a test dummy for these fucking idiots for 15 years. So don’t tell me they don’t make generics brands of prescriptions unless they are 100% certain its safe. Risperdal was recalled years after I was on it. They can’t be 100% sure, ever. That doesn’t make sense. Its chemicals. Its safe as cigarettes were during the prohibition era.

I’m not the type of person who talks about something I DONT know anything about. So don’t get snippy with me over there miss pre med.

My bodies been tormented by idiotic doctors. my empathy for your education, is slim to none. Good thing I like you, so Id never make it personal or be offended. Its more just annoying to me.

Like sorry..but your long lectures are the equivalence of one year in my life. period.

Its so annoying to listen to different people, repeat the same things, im fully aware of..like 20 times thinking I don’t understand the level of seriousness.

I guess maybe I am underestimated…No one really wants to listen to some girl who fucked up her life because of her mental health, starting in 5th grade.

Most people I’ve met in psych wards, I probably wouldn’t take too seriously until I heard them speak for long enough.

I also can’t feel full empathy for someone who just started meds, and can’t get half of the prescription without calling the psychiatrist. (so simple) yet I can’t even find a damn psychiatrist at all. Ive been looking for over a year. Way before I lost my other one (she was embarrassing)

Standing next to someone who is withdrawing from benzo’s and is still gonna walk home an hour in the freezing cold…chances are…the pain isn’t comparable. And withdrawing from all of my prescriptions would be pure torment. You have all your meds. Fuckin’ smile, dump your man, and be a little nicer maybe?

As her husband said to me, about my meds, my period and being there three hours earlier (god forbid I want to go home first) “Sounds like a personal problem”

Psh, I didn’t sign up to put up with his smart mouth. I never could, Ive said it to everyone, even them.

I just don’t feel like dealing with someone new I feel dumbed down by…that calls themselves a doctor…

Its killin’ me.

If I have to meet with my primary care again and she makes me feel bad, chances are I will just read her this.

It seems kind of dark..

To be having a 2010 “12 year high school reunion” at “Lucky Strike”

First off, shouldn’t it be every 5 years?

Second, why is it being held literally three minutes from my actual HOME

Why would I want to “reunite” with people I got kicked out for numbing myself with copious amounts of alcohol, since 8th grade to feel comfortable around? 2,000 people? really? They’re all phonies who have screwed half of each other in that same room over at least once before.

I promise.

If you matter to me, Ill see you when I see you.

I don’t need to gather around people and be fake to feel like I have something to prove. I stopped caring about what they thought, before puberty.

I kept my group small and close.

So no, sorry. I don’t want to go fake smile in a room full of people I did that already for…decades. (before I stopped caring)

Especially at a bar that one of our classmates who overdosed and died two days before her 30th Birthday, this April…worked at for years right before she passed.

The last time I saw her, (besides that bar) we had went canoeing with friends over to this Island we chilled at for the day. After we were getting a ride home from my friend Brendan. I’d known her family my whole life, so she was getting dropped at her parents house. I remember us talking about the nostalgia.

Brendan, was also in that same graduating class.

He overdosed right before Christmas a few years ago..

I couldn’t even pretend to be fake around these people if you paid me.

I escaped them and now they’re coming to my backyard instead of staying in town like a normal – non boujee town

..gotta graduate at the Tsongas Center, and go to prom at the intercontinental or some bullshit…

Sometimes I really wish I was born in a totally different place. But for now Id like them at least stay over a mile away. I feel like thats not too much to ask. (hah)

When people talk shit about the bar I work at right in front of me

*Well, we don’t like you either. Tremont St. is that way..try not to trip over a human sleeping while getting there. Its rude to disrespect someone in their home*

Psh. You don’t see me start yelling at 20 year olds biking on the sidewalk at 2 AM, while the streets are basically empty in a city full of BIKE LANES…not until I get to Fenway.

I don’t just go around yelling at people in downtown, at copley, the public gardens..oh no no.

Show “no fear”

Says the girl who is hyper aware

I spent most of my life getting my anxiety confused for bitchiness.

The RBF runs straight through my blood, just like my mama.

My main rule is show “no fear”

You can feel scared. Thats part of being human and is a natural feeling or reaction.

Just don’t show it.

It might sound cheesy

but I think one of my favorite feelings is when I make someone else feel comfortable. Seeing the weight lift off someone and put them at as much ease as possible.

I walked to target cause I needed an ice pack for my aging back, paper towels, lightbulbs and luna stuffs. I didn’t get them at star market last night so I needed to make another run.

When I got to Boylston st. (the main road) I was waiting at the crosswalk for the light to change.. and as it did I noticed some guy start screaming random cuss words and tweak out a bit. He was kinda walking and screaming. I saw a girl near us move nervously, but I ignored it. We crossed the street while he was yelling at cars.

When I got to the top of the stairs at target, I went to grab a basket and walk forward when at the same time, a girl literally was running and slammed into me. (I didn’t notice it was the same girl, until I almost got knocked out.)

She apologized and so did I (although I was aware)

I went to go grab Luna’s things from the pet isle and I noticed her by the books across the isle just staring at me.

When I crossed the isles towards her, (for lightbulbs) she came towards me to apologize for bumping into me and started to explain the man freaking out scared her. i didn’t really want her to feel like she had to apologize or feel weird for it…I mean..even if I might have…lol

I have a panic disorder, Ive grown used to discomfort, a different kind of uncomfortable

than maybe someone who just moved to the city for college with anxiety.

I mean I was a girl with a panic disorder, forced to grow up around people, live with all sortsa messy people, 24/7 (even being paid to watch me) unless I used the bathroom or went to sleep.

being alone for me was life a gift from the gods

I shit you, not.

So when Im due for a med refill with no psychiatrist and it took me hours to muster the strength to get to target…

Im still happy to know, Im okay and I made someone else feel understood. Maybe a little more paranoid, which isn’t ideal. but neither is anxiety in the city, in general