When I went through the real hardest time of my life I was a kid. When people considered me an “alcoholic” I was an unmedicated, depressed, anxious mess and thought it was normal.
Really all I was doing was numbing the anxiety with alcohol…then waking up even more depressed.
I care for people who have their own struggles, I can’t relate at all to “normal people” (I know…what really is “normal” anymore…its the only term for mentally stable I can think of)
I’ve tried to date who everyone thinks I should…lol…im so complex I think I actually scare them. and they bore me
I make people hurting feel safe, and I like that I can do that for people I love. For me, what gave me borderline…was almost so long ago I dont remember half of it until maybe something reminds me of a situation?
So I know my diagnosis, I know they are pretty on point. The problem is, I can barely remember how I originally became this way. Middle school and High school were HELL. Like a literal living hell. From 18-24 I was bitter and hanging out with people who had no goals or ambitions besides selling weed and finding a new fun drug to try.
That wasn’t me, I thought it was for a little. Now, when I feel mostly like Ive accepted and come to terms with my past…I am still very much falling in love with people who are currently living in what once was *my teenage shitshow*…
My emotions are controlled by other people, and their feelings. I know they shouldnt be, and I wish I could stop.
Because everything I conquered, should not be something I take for granted and allow to be thrown away for someone else.
These new meds make me cry a lot more. Before I cried too little. Like *bitch your grammy just died…* now you hurt someone I care about and I’m crying instead of them.
Today, I can’t seem to think in an organized or sensible manor and Im so glad to be alone, stoned and smelly.