Asides

When I went through the real hardest time of my life I was a kid. When people considered me an “alcoholic” I was an unmedicated, depressed, anxious mess and thought it was normal.

Really all I was doing was numbing the anxiety with alcohol…then waking up even more depressed.

I care for people who have their own struggles, I can’t relate at all to “normal people” (I know…what really is “normal” anymore…its the only term for mentally stable I can think of)

I’ve tried to date who everyone thinks I should…lol…im so complex I think I actually scare them. and they bore me

I make people hurting feel safe, and I like that I can do that for people I love. For me, what gave me borderline…was almost so long ago I dont remember half of it until maybe something reminds me of a situation?

So I know my diagnosis, I know they are pretty on point. The problem is, I can barely remember how I originally became this way. Middle school and High school were HELL. Like a literal living hell. From 18-24 I was bitter and hanging out with people who had no goals or ambitions besides selling weed and finding a new fun drug to try.

That wasn’t me, I thought it was for a little. Now, when I feel mostly like Ive accepted and come to terms with my past…I am still very much falling in love with people who are currently living in what once was *my teenage shitshow*…

My emotions are controlled by other people, and their feelings. I know they shouldnt be, and I wish I could stop.

Because everything I conquered, should not be something I take for granted and allow to be thrown away for someone else.

These new meds make me cry a lot more. Before I cried too little. Like *bitch your grammy just died…* now you hurt someone I care about and I’m crying instead of them.

Today, I can’t seem to think in an organized or sensible manor and Im so glad to be alone, stoned and smelly.

Im not a bully, but if your going to do something my mother taught me was bullying in elementary school I realized the legit delusion that goes on in that facility.

I bully the bully, and if I could, yes, I would give her “a swirly” with a massive smile on my face.

people I already knew didn’t have a backbone continue to, but it bothers me when they hurt people I love. Take all you want out on me, because it bounces right off of me. But don’t pick on someone because he has a friend (that you dont like) who has a big mouth and would lay in traffic for him. Just focus on finding someone who would do the same for you. Spend your entire life looking. You wouldnt know loyalty if you ever even had a friend before you turned 18.

All I’m saying is when I was 20 and at a house party held by a 25 year old…if anyone asks “I don’t know that bitch, she picks up weed from my best friends boyfriend…wheres the booze?”

Moral of the story- you were DEFF bullied (we all have been 12 year old girls, its not odd) but instead of letting it turn you into a good person, you just turned out like…this…eeek. Its like having a complex like a police officer. The lil twerp gets picked on his whole life and now needs a reason to flex or act tough instead of “serving and protecting”

And you fired me because I would say that to your face, not a 21 year old boy who has to do his homework on lunch break. I intimidated you. Im glad I did. Assholes like you, should be.

My mom has good intentions every year for my birthday (I already accepted its doomed)

But honestly she just causes me so much anxiety, ESPECIALLY with my Nona. They bicker and they’re both so loud.

I don’t have the meds for this type of shit anymore